I think I should give an update on the direction I’m taking this blog in…
I’ll be posting three times a week now. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. My posts will consist of one new fragrance review and I’ll also write one short story of the month (time permitting) which will be posted in parts (as before) on Thursdays.
—The rest of this post is much more personal so continue only if such things interest you… And I apologize now for my sloppy writing. —
I would also like to voice a few thoughts and feelings that I need to give air to.
The other day I reread posts from an old blog I wrote in college up until the first year (I think?) that I dated my husband… As sloppy as it likely seems, I have to admit that I haven’t tried to delete it because I no longer have access to the email address I used at the time (college email) and I’ve never had the energy or interest to follow that long and complicated trail.
Anyway, it was overwhelming and unnerving to clearly see my old self on screen in words and yet feel so distant from what I read. I’ve learned so much since then and I found myself wanting desperately to reach in and offer advice. And I was amazed by how open and unafraid I was to share my feelings (and to use swear words). It was a bit terrifying actually…
One vulnerability that stood out to me was how open I was about my longing for romantic love. And, I was fearless about sharing my deep anguish about the lack of finding it. I think my need to express myself totally overpowered any inhibitions… And I think that I still am that way to a certain extent.
And a heartbreaking thing I noticed was how often I thought I had learned to trust myself and then found myself in a situation where I didn’t trust myself and then… of course… I later realized I should have trusted myself…
So, as an exercise of trust in myself and in relation to the topic above I am going to write an open letter below to almost all of the men I’ve been romantically involved with except for my husband (more than just boyfriends but excluding men who were just crushes or when there was only banter, etc.). Of course, I don’t know if any of them will ever read this. And, if you are one of those men, first of all, for whatever reason you read my blog thank you for reading it. Sincerely. Thank you. None of you were bad people (?) and I would be honored if any of you took time to read my ramblings about fragrance. And, after that, well… I hope what you’re about to read is somehow a positive thing for you. I truly do… If you read this (that’s a big if) and you don’t find yourself being addressed and you think you should technically be… please keep reading further down. I think I included pretty much all of you.
(I will not use names but instead will do my best to covertly describe you…)
To my boyfriend who turned down entrance to MIT to attend a university in the Midwest: We left things very badly so many times. It never ceases to baffle me… You always seemed like such a great guy in every way. I may never know who you truly were and that saddens me greatly because I really don’t want to dislike you as a person, even in memory… I also feel like I never was able to learn the lesson I needed to learn from you or our relationship. I wish you well though… I do.
To the boyfriend who was raised in Pennsylvania: We never should have dated (not that I blame you for that). Seriously. You were (and I’m sure still are) a very fun person and I think we should have just been platonic friends. We were a terrible match even though at the time I fell in love with you… Thank you for not marrying me… I really wish we had just been friends. Really. I think we would still be at least internet acquaintances if we had kept things platonic. It’s a shame.
To the boyfriend who enjoyed rock climbing: I think we ended our relationship too soon but ironically I don’t think we were meant to be together anyway… You were the sweetest guy I dated (no offense to anyone). You gave me a lot actually. You helped me grow as a person and were probably the most Godly man I ever dated. You understood me in many ways. Thank you for adding to my life and only hurting me a little… I’m glad we parted as friends.
To the first guy I ever kissed who smoked, was a sculptor and wanted to be an architect: I hurt you terribly and was very foolish. I sincerely apologize. I don’t think we were a good match because of our personalities and that’s why I ended things, but I wasn’t fair to you. You had a lot to offer someone and I truly hope you find the woman who is meant for your absolutely lovely soul. I’m sorry I wasn’t fair… I wish I could go back and not hurt you in any way. Truly. I’m sorry.
To the young man who was traveling west: It was brief, but I think we both knew it could be more. And you tried. And I screwed it up. I’m sorry. I was so young… You are one of the only people who have ever gotten inside my mind. You were brilliant at affecting me and you wanted to and I felt alive and it scared me… It scared me how much I loved it. Although, somehow I know you’re ok. You’re a fighter in your own calm, cool and effortlessly beautiful way. Aren’t you? I suspect we weren’t meant to be together, but then again… I think I’ve always needed (yes needed) to be with a man a lot like you. A lot. You said it yourself… And it’s true. I wish you well and hope you found (or find) a love worthy of your romantic genius.
To the gentleman who told me I was the most beautiful girl at our school: I didn’t believe you (and I highly doubt you’re ever going to read this). Sorry… Truly. I thought you were making it up because you thought you had to say something sweet. 🙂 I wish I had dated you. I’m not sure where things would have gone but you were such a decent, wildly intelligent young man and if I hadn’t had a stupid crush on an unmarried professor (I was a hopeless and much too optimistic romantic I guess) I bet I would have dated you… You made me dinner and we went to the dance. Damn. How totally idiotic I was… I bet you found someone lovely though. You were so genuinely clever and wonderful. I still hold you in very high esteem and (likely) always will.
To the only man I’ve been involved with who is still a good friend: You encouraged me so much as person and still do. I’ve learned so much from you. You are another man who gave me a lot… You fed my soul and enriched my life. I am blessed to have met you. Thank you for being you. You’re brilliant. You’re fantastic. And I’m very glad we are friends as we always were meant to be… Thank you. Thank you.
To the real reason I started writing this… the first guy I gave myself to (I don’t know why I feel so moved by what happened right now but I do): You hurt me a lot I’m afraid. I don’t know if you were a first rate asshole, an immature fool, or if I actually hurt you…
I’m totally confused about what truly happened between us. I’ve felt a tragic, pained longing but I’m never entirely sure if it makes sense to feel that way. I have assumed in the past that you were just using me and playing games or that, at the very least, you never saw anything wrong with anything you did.
I thought that if you were at all confronted in any way you would react with indignation and think I was unjustified and silly for everything I feel. After all, I wasn’t going to “get attached to you.” You told me that I wouldn’t. Remember? But, why the hell did I believe you I wonder? I knew better… And why did you think that anyway? Did you read a scientific study or were you just pulling that out of your ass? Honestly, no offense, but I think you were rude and arrogant in our last conversations.
I was starting to fall in love with you.
I was actually slightly devastated because you didn’t invite me to your dinner party that Saturday afternoon, although you later apologized and I tried to explain it to myself. But I was left wondering anyway if I just wasn’t good enough for your friends in your mind… What happened that day was tragic… It should have been different. All of it.
I wish I had believed myself and told you we needed to wait… To wait until we really knew each other. I wish we had waited until it was right and we were deeply in love. But again, you could have just been an accidental vulture… I maybe should despise you. I just don’t know.
You broke my heart when it was already broken. And I was too wounded to fight back at the time so you likely never knew I cared all that much… I just quietly gave up so many times with you.
Maybe you were right and we didn’t have any chemistry, but to be honest that doesn’t exactly make sense to me. At the time I believed it was true for foolish reasons but before that sad Saturday afternoon… when I was too loud and I showed up two hours late… and it all changed… Before then I often felt lost in a sea of kisses… Perhaps they were all false?
I wish I’d had the chance, if it was even possible, to fight passionately with you, lose (I rarely lose an argument I care about), and then make up. I think you’d be stunned by how strong I can be.
I am haunted by you. And I wish I had told you how much your subtle emotional jabs on our walk around the lake and cruelty disguised as jocularity around your friends affected me… I wish I had given you a chance to either totally shatter any positive impression I had of you and let myself be utterly disappointed or given you a moment to tell me you were upset and put me in my place… I should have let you truly see me and then reject me… That wasn’t wise or fair.
Oh and I wasn’t an idiot like you implied (intentionally or not) for thinking an animated film could have a political message. But I rarely watch animated films and don’t read about them, etc. so I should have been more careful about discussing the one we watched I suppose…
I’m sorry. I’m very sorry for what I did.
And I need to apologize to myself just as much as to you.
Thanks for reading.