A Few Scattered Thoughts

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My book of the week and a bottle of very old Chanel No. 22

My thoughts are all pretty random as I’m writing this, so I’ve decided to just sort of plop them all together in one post.  Here they are:

1.  A long time ago (maybe a year back) I predicted the success of Donald Trump.  Right now I’d like, despite of or because of all the polls and coverage he’s receiving, to say that I think he still has a better chance than Hillary to win the election.  It might sound odd and utterly depressing, but I have a sense it could happen…   Maybe that’s a heartbroken and disenfranchised part of me saying that, but I can see it.  Easily.  I think three things will contribute to it mainly if it happens (although there are obviously many possible contributing factors): 1. the media’s coverage of Trump and his manipulation and distortion of that coverage, 2. terrorism and 3.  the cynicism of the American public.

2. I have absolutely no idea how good or bad of a writer I really am, but I think this is what I was “called” to do with my life.  I remember when I was a little girl I used to spend hours and hours for days during the summer writing long, romantic stories. Writing was my first choice as a career when I was a child.  The only reason I never pursued it was because my father told me it was a terrible idea to be a professional writer.  He said you could never make money being a writer (tangent: my dad was eventually and paradoxically very concerned with making money despite his inability to make a lot of it)…  So, I eventually planned on being a lawyer, but that was mostly because it seemed like a logical way to make everything (my interests and his advice) fit together.   But it wasn’t where my heart really was of course, and given my nature and other obstacles in my life (i.e. my health), I couldn’t muster up enough energy to force myself to pursue it past a certain point…  So that completely failed.  And now, at age 32, I’m finally getting around to what I should have always been doing: creative writing.   It makes me angry…   I wasted so much time, money and effort (not just my own).  I wish I had started this in my early teens when I wanted to…  Such a mess.

3.  And then there’s my love life.  Oh dear.  If one thing has occurred to me recently in this area of my life, it’s that I am absolutely terrible at knowing what the hell is going on in a man’s head when it comes to me, romantically speaking.

Ironically or not, I always, always know what I’m feeling.  Always.  I also know what guys are feeling if a.  I’m not remotely interested in them, or b.  I’m not involved in the romance and I’m watching them pursue someone else.  In other words, if I can be an observer of any sort, I can often easily have insight into even the finest nuances of the situation.  And, in that way, I am sometimes able to offer pretty dang good advice to friends and family members.  I love being able to do that for people and it’s fun to watch as things unfold.  Humans are so fascinating and beautiful.

However, I absolutely, positively suck at knowing what men feel about me when I like them…   And, of course, when my emotions grow stronger than mere fancy, it becomes even more confusing for me.  So, in regard to my husband (and any man who may succeed him depending on what happens in my life) I officially *give up!*  🙂

And, as I’m sitting her thinking as I write, what I mean by that is this:

In most interactions with other people I try to be helpful in some way and this has always carried over to my romantic interactions too.  And in contemplation and discussion with my husband (best friend) I’ve realized that when it comes to reading signals from men and deciding if they’re interested my main motive is…  to help them.  If I like a man, in order to be kind, I want to know how he feels because in some weird way I want to make pursuing me easier on him if he also likes me.   Isn’t that funny?!  And this has been a source of HUGE frustration and deep pain for what are probably obvious reasons.  I mean, I’ve been extremely confused by what happens…

See, I think I read so many novels about star-crossed lovers, and saw so many films about unrequited love in my childhood that I got this fear that men would have something about them like being shy, or scared, or any myriad of problems you read about, and they would be unable to pursue me in an effective way.  (I’m laughing at my own ridiculousness as I write this.)  And just to clarify, it’s certainly not that I think men are stupid, or faulty or anything like that.  Truly!  It’s just that I’m way waaay too, much too compassionate…  I know how complicated and difficult human interaction can be and I’ve honestly just been trying to be kind.   And I’m not trying to give myself a compliment in saying all this.  I think the way I’ve approached things my whole life in this regard is very misguided and utterly idiotic…   Matter of fact, it’s so ludicrous it’d be funny if it hadn’t been a source of so much pain and embarrassment over the years.

Maybe I can still find it funny right now…

I’m recalling one time in particular.  I was a sophomore in high school and there was this guy who sat behind me in math class.  He would always flirt and blush when we talked.  And, because he kept blushing when he tried to talk to me, I started trying to find ways to help him ask me out to make him feel more at ease.  Eventually, after he failed to do so after months of this, I asked him out myself.  And, who knows what he was thinking when I did that because he was just incredibly flustered and uncomfortable…  and of course he said no (he probably wasn’t interested?), and I then felt very foolish and disappointed.  But I moved on…  Because I always do…

This sort of thing has happened countless times to me…   And it has often left me wondering if I’m just not attractive enough somehow…

The only guy who wasn’t in a situation like that was the guy I lost my virginity to at 26 (and it wasn’t Mark).   He was the one I was falling for and dating (for complicated reasons) while I was seeing my husband…  It was an awful situation in many ways (I’ve written about this a lot before)…  but… I did find him attractive and he certainly didn’t mind taking control and making things happen (although he wasn’t controlling).  He reminded me of a combination of a young Matt Damon and Bobby Kennedy actually (obviously based on my impression of them).  But it didn’t work out of course and that’s ok…  It was very nice to experience his decisiveness though.

Oh!  And here’s another funny thing: I’ve turned guys down at lightening speed at times too when I’m not interested in them because I don’t want them to get their hopes up and get hurt.  But it’s been too fast to make sense to them…  and they’ve either thought I was just playing hard to get and kept asking me out, or they thought I was being a jerk…   In the former case, the guys are almost always well…  like Donald Trump.  One of them was waitlisted at Cornell and his reaction to that was that he was, “no longer impressed with Cornell.”

I would say no and I think it made him like me more…  He was a nice guy in his own way, but…  I really wasn’t interested.  Ironically my father met him once and thought he was fabulous…

Anyway…  In the context of everything I’ve said about my current situation, I know one thing for sure.  I need to stop trying to be so…  overly kind.  Foolishly, stupidly nice...  

And thank you Mark for talking and helping me start to figure that out last night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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