In case it’s not already clear, I’ve been writing the posts this week the night before they’re posted. And, tonight, I’m feeling a bit hopeful… I feel like the last few days have amounted to something kind of lovely maybe… And, even though tomorrow or the next day might make some of this light seem like just an illusion waiting to be broken, I’m just going to enjoy the fact that right now, as I sit here in Seattle, listening to music I feel… a little happy.
Tonight I also keep thinking about a piece of jewelry I rarely wear. (I know that sounds random.) I think the history behind it is why it keeps coming to mind. I bought it right before I started seeing Mark.
I met my husband while I was working at a coffee shop. He came into the store once or twice a day to get coffee. And, as misguided as the way I handled it was (see yesterday’s post) in some ways, I had huge crush on him so, of course… I eventually asked him out…
But, whether that decision was good or bad, around the time I made up my mind to ask him on a date, I could sense my life was about to change. It was a feeling I had never felt before… The feeling was a peculiar brand of delight and exhilarating, but real trepidation. I wondered if I was just imagining it all though… I knew I already liked Mark and found him very attractive, so I questioned if I was just concocting the feeling to delude myself into thinking that there was a real chance he might date me.
Now, looking back at that moment, I know I was feeling something that was going on somehow… My life did veer off in a very different direction.
Anyway, I went shopping at the Mall of America one night back then and there was this group of kiosks on the bottom floor near a main entrance selling necklaces… One necklace in particular caught my eye. It was a sparkly rhinestone studded, silver heart pendant. I looked at it, held the heart in my hands and then the thought came to me to buy the necklace and wear it as a symbol to myself. It was supposed to symbolize how I was opening my heart to whatever it was I was about to experience. I was going to be strong for myself too… I’m not sure how well I did with being strong, but I certainly did open my heart.
Anyway… Random thoughts again… Sorry.