No. 22…

So, today was the end to my “Chanel No. 22” week…  I’m sad that it’s ending, but I’ve realized a few things about life during this week.  Let’s see if I can organize my thoughts below in some sort of coherent form.

-I want to be a writer.  Whether I’m a good or bad writer…  I want to write.  I have a very deep need to express my thoughts and feelings.  If I keep it all to myself it’s almost destructive, I think.  I hope I can someday be a good writer.

-I need to be myself. …I realized after posting the other day about being less “helpful” in regards to romantic relationships that while it’s good to learn from experiences and grow from pain, you also must be real…   In other words, I think that there’s a balance between being a better, more caring, more understanding person and not filtering out your soul.  It’s important not to try so hard to be “perfect” that you lose yourself…

When it comes to romantic relationships, honesty is so important.   I’m a very intense, and serious person in some ways.  I want to be careful to not overwhelm people with that (even in a genuine attempt to be kind), but at the same time…  that’s just who I honestly am on some level.  Life seems profound to me.  People who say, “don’t take things so seriously” will never be on the same page with me.  And I love how “serious” life is.  If it was less meaningful it would be a lot less fun…

-In the beauty and wonder of life there are moments that are truly amazing.  And you find yourself wishing you could eventually find your way to just that right person…  Even just for coffee…  *sigh*  But all you can really do is just hope for the best…  whatever that is.

…In the bigger sense, viewing life overall, I have to trust that nothing is truly wasted.   And I tell myself that when I consider my future, because I know that it’s entirely possible that if I leave Mark someday I might be alone for the rest of my life.  I certainly don’t want that, but…  I’ve lived enough of life to see how it can go.  And, well…  I tell myself that even if it’s not in this life, that someday somewhere I’ll be truly loved (in a romantic sense) and truly love someone in return.  And oh I know that sounds so grim…  But, I think it’s actually kind of wonderfully romantic.  Of course, it would be nice if it was in this life (and I don’t necessarily mean reincarnation, or heaven or any one thing in particular when I say “this life”despite my actual beliefs) but, again, I am of the conviction that life does have an ultimate benevolent being (God) and a deeper meaning.  And I think that it all has to “work out” somehow…  Maybe that sounds too optimistic, but I feel like I’m actually just being honest.  People are too beautiful in my opinion for all to just be “wasted.”

-Furthermore, and in conclusion, I’ve never thought our job in life is to judge others.  I think we all have enough of our own faults to keep us busy enough.  Our job is to try as hard as we can to be loving, and considerate…  To worry about how we’ll affect others, but balance that with trying to be happy, which of course is no small thing.  At all…  And, in that spirit, I must also not allow myself to be controlled by other’s judgments…

Anyway…  I’m starting to ramble and sound trite.  Maybe this whole thing sounds trite…  I don’t know…

But, I’m learning to not care as much…

And for those of you depressed or bothered by this, I promise I’ll write about something lighter next time…

 

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