And then more thoughts…

I can’t stop with this whole journal thing.   Sorry…  I hope it’s not driving everyone nuts.  But I suppose it is my blog? 

Anyway…

Today has been extremely confusing.   

Remember that lovely coincidence that kept happening?  Well…  I kept trying to see if it would happen again early in the day and it seemed like maybe it did.  And for a while I felt a bit of bliss…  (And yes, I realize that at this point I probably sound totally and completely crazy, but honestly…  oh well.)  

But then a little later, it seemed to be disappearing – the whole thing.  And I couldn’t help but think it all must have been my wild imagination playing tricks on me from the start (something I always deeply feared was true).  Like, I had wanted it to be real so badly that I made things fit together and mean something extraordinary that never did…

Yet, all that being said, I have a pretty fair amount of trust in my own intuition and observational abilities.  And, then…  later it seemed to come back.  And it was wonderful…   So honestly with all of that, I can’t let it go completely…  

*Sigh*

But…   it did make me cry today to see it seem to not be real.  I even felt kind of bad for myself because so many times in life I’ve been brutally disappointed in a myriad of ways.  Seriously…  Life can truly suck my dears.  I’m sure you all know that…

At any rate, I think the one thing I’ve realized from musings last week and my recent nearly supernatural experience, is this: if anyone ever wants to truly be with me someday…  I’m afraid they’ll have to be clear that there’s something starting.    I won’t be able to deal with the chaos and pain of not really knowing what’s going on in some sort of concrete way for a long period of time.    I just don’t think I can let myself fall apart again the way I sometimes do when I can’t seem to get a firm grasp of what reality actually is romantically…   No matter how blindingly handsome, brilliant, witty, charming…  or just just generally fantastic a man might be.  No matter how much of soulmate it seems he might be…   I can’t let myself be any more destroyed from the inside out than I’ve already allowed (namely with my husband)…  (And yes, I am aware that sounds very dramatic, but it actually kind of was…)  And, if he is “right for me,” I hope he’ll understand?  I hope?  And, furthermore, I don’t mean that I would demand him to declare mad love for me under the moon holding a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” on the first date (or after the first twenty for that matter) just…  I don’t want to feel like I’m losing my mind…   (Although, romantic gestures involving moons and music are certainly wonderful.) 

I hope that doesn’t make me a total curmudgeon or control freak…  *sigh*   I am what I am, wounds and all…  I guess.    And it’s not necessarily good I suppose.  But, it’s the truth…  

And oh yeah…  fragrance.

Well, since I didn’t wear a new scent yet today, I’ll have to come back to that.  In a few hours or less…

And this blog needs some serious tending to in general so I might change a few things.

 

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