So, I’ve decided I have a choice. I can either be completely honest (but still maintain a sense of some decorum and privacy, etc.) or I can keep being mysterious. And, frankly, I think in my case, it’s wiser to just be brutally honest with anyone who reads this. And yes, I realize that this will make my blog more controversial in some people’s estimation, but I think I’ll burst if I can’t just be real right now… Seriously.
As you may know, if you’ve been reading this blog, there’s been a set of wild, crazy and totally beautiful… coincidences… happening to me for a while. It’s been haunting actually.
Today I tried to figure it out at least a little and this time I took some direct (although vague) action… I wrote a message (as I did yesterday on Instagram, but it didn’t work so I tried something different today). But, as pleasant, polite, and even warm as the exchange was (and as nice as it was to read his words), it didn’t seem to accomplish what I had hoped it would (at least not really).
So… just to clarify… in case it hasn’t been obvious… well… I thought I might have met someone – a man.
Yes, I know. Many of you will probably judge me. Honestly, after all the shit I’ve been through in my life, and all the times I’ve tried to filter myself to fit in or please people, if you truly think I’m a terrible person here’s two suggestions: stop reading my blog, and look at your own life.
It just… we seemed to have this magical sort of something. And, no, again, nothing physical happened…
I could assume, very easily at this point, that it was entirely my imagination… Too easily. Matter of fact, I’m probably supposed to think that now. Right? Isn’t that what normal people do? They just walk away and don’t care? Right? I don’t know… But, I can’t help but still wonder what really happened. And, as much as I can doubt myself, I don’t usually have such bad intuition… Even, and in light of all I’ve said on the matter, in regard to men…
But, there’s nothing more I can do. I don’t want to seem like a “crazy person” to this man, and I truly could have been just imaging it all… Or, who knows… I mean, there’s probably almost a million different scenarios… But what I have to come to terms with is this: there’s nothing I can do… I’ve done everything within reason I can think to do to figure it out for myself before I cross the line of seeming ridiculous, making a total fool of myself, or stepping away from the person I am.
See… I wasn’t thinking we would have this wild, meaningless, fling (not that I’m judging). Not at all. And I wasn’t necessarily thinking I’d… do any one thing in particular or not. I just wanted to interact with him, and see where it would go, but in a way that allowed for there to be some sort of acknowledgement of mutual feelings, or at least some unspoken understanding. I also wasn’t sure what I was going to do in regard to Mark, but I assumed that if there was really something there as beautiful as it seemed to possibly be, that eventually, if it moved forward and continued past a certain point of mutual understanding, that I would just have to either leave Mark or I don’t know what… And of course, I told Mark (and only Mark actually) the details. Honestly, other than what I’ve written on this blog, and what Mark knows, that’s it. I’ve not discussed it with anyone. I keep quiet if I think it’s best. I’m a very private person as odd as that might sound to read right now, and my husband is my closest friend (he’s also my husband and I at least owe him my honesty)…
So… I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t still have some sort of hope that I wasn’t imagining things, and he could pursue me in some way, but… it would have to be entirely up to him. Again, there’s nothing I can do now…
But, I guess, in the end, at this point, if he never pursues me then regardless of what did or did not happen, it couldn’t have been that special… I find solace in that because, after all is said and done, in my view, if someone doesn’t truly want you, especially at the beginning of something then it’s a waste of time and you’re much better off that it didn’t become anything. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. (Sorry… I know that sounds depressing.)
I’m heartbroken and confused. Well, mostly… I mean, I’m also a little scared in a way to think I may have been so wrong about some perceptions. But really what seemed to be happening was just… it really would have been amazing if it was real. He was also one of the best looking men I’ve ever seen in my life (at least to me). *sigh* and *crying a little on the inside*
But… this leaves me with one big realization. My romantic relationship with Mark really is total crap right now. I mean, we get along wonderfully. Truly. He’s the best, most nurturing, most honest, most kind friend I’ve ever had. But… I don’t love him in “that way” almost at all right now and there’s just… it’s not… anyway. I mean, (from my perspective) because he’s never really sincerely apologized for any pain he’s ever caused me as a romantic partner (I know that seems to contradict my description of our friendship, but he’s a complicated man)… And I still don’t know so many things about his side of things in our romance (I’ve asked but he says he has a hard time knowing himself)… He doesn’t tell me he loves me ever unless he’s asked or prompted (never has done that)… And anyway, the long history I’ve just barely began to described in this blog. We just have “drifted apart” so to speak in our marriage… So, honestly, if he met someone, and they really hit it off and she made him truly happy and I thought she was a good, really great person… and would be a good step-mother to my son I could move on and not be upset. It would be scary, but I’d understand… That’s where I’m at. I’m gone… and I can’t keep trying to lie about that to myself anymore. I can’t keep dying on the inside. I realized that the last time (and first time) something happened with another man last year, but this time is different. This time (no offense to the other gentleman) I really wanted it to be in a way I haven’t since I first met my husband. And, at the very least, that tells me something about where I’m at that I can’t responsibly ignore anymore.
I think, at the end of the day, what I’ve been mostly clinging to, was the fact that my son needs his dad. And my husband is the best damn father I’ve ever seen… I’m not kidding or exaggerating. My husband loves our son more than life itself. It’s beautiful to watch. And it makes me proud.
But yeah… then there’s me. *sigh*
I’m still not going to completely give up hope that my husband and I might be able to make it work somehow, because I think common sense and my strong desire to somehow still… do the right thing (?) dictates that I have to. But yeah… I can’t morally let it go anymore.