Baffled…

So…  I wrote the following rant at the absolute lowest part of this day.  And I’ve since calmed down and…  now feel silly for portions of what I wrote.  But… I’m going to leave it up, because I think it’s an honest portrait of what I can sometimes feel.  Please be advised…  Thank you dear reader.

—————–

 

So, today has been pretty…  awful.

After pondering what was happening with that man and how I was now going to go forward in my life with Mark and in general for most of the night, I woke up trying to feel some sort of calm on the issue…  To just, let it be…  and let it go as whatever it was.  But I was leaning towards thinking it was all in my imagination for many reasons.  So, for most of the day I was incredibly depressed, although trying to be optimistic about life overall because my son needs a mother who can be there for him and not off in a cloud of emotion.  And I even tried flirting again with him a little at one point because I didn’t think it would hurt anything, at the very least…

But…  then I thought the fellow I had developed feelings for was maybe trying to subtly give me some hint of hope.  But I wasn’t sure…  And feeling very hurt and sad today I didn’t take it seriously.  I thought it was likely just my imagination…

But then it suddenly seemed like he was making fun of me and had even read this blog and thought I was some sort of freak.

Soo…  that was a little soul crushing.  And I even tried to subtly suggest that without really saying it because…  well…  I’m scared of him.  He’s intimidating.  I dunno…  Men in general are scary when you find them attractive…

But then I thought (again) it must be in my head, and that I should just stop being so stupid.  So I let it go…  and tried to be “normal.”

…And then he seemed to have noticed my sadness and was being kind?  Or maybe he wasn’t?  I don’t know

This whole thing has me so confused.  I’m not even sure if any of this is really happening because with him it’s all very confusing.  (and I’ll get back to that in a moment.)

But then he seemed to be flirting with a very pretty lady…  but maybe he wasn’t.  I don’t know…  If he somehow realized I would be affected by that then that was cruel…  Was I supposed to think she was prettier than me and that I should know that he would never want to be with someone like me?  Is he just a total, narcissistic asshole?  I have no clue at this point…

So!  Here are a few thoughts if he reads this blog (Gigantic IF).

-I’m not crazy, but thanks for making fun of me today (if you did) and making me feel like shit about myself (if that was intentional).  And in case you’re not totally full of yourself, here’s a reality check for you: you’re hot.  Don’t you think that (if you think it’s stupid that I concocted some romance with you in my head) a woman in a painful marriage who finds someone really super attractive on many levels, might possibly be a little vulnerable to at least hoping he’d notice her?  As stupid and pathetic as that might be in your eyes?   And then, if he seemed to notice her…  even if it was in her head…  it might be something she would cling to a little and find some…  happiness in?

-If, on the other hand, you read this blog because you have actually been into me…  Well…  How the HELL was I/am I really supposed to know that for sure?  How can you not realize how befuddling and miserable this has been for me (on top of being lovely when I have had hope)?  And I’m not saying that to complain, but mainly because you don’t seem to entirely get it (no offense).  Just because I’m perceptive enough (or maybe because I am) to see what could be happening doesn’t mean I don’t/didn’t have my sincere and deep doubts.  That’s just the way I am.  I am a skeptic.  A romantic skeptic.  I dream of things, and hope for them but then tell myself that life just sucks and I need to let it go.  And, almost my entire life has been filled with experiences that have reinforced that view.  I try to be optimistic but my goodness…  Look around you.  Can you blame me for doubting almost everything but the obvious?

If you’ve been trying to send me some sort of signal in our interactions that I’m not picking up on, I’m truly sorry…  but my word…  aren’t you being a bit harsh?!   You’ve never really made anything clear in a way that I can take real solace in – in a way that gives me enough proof to feel comfortable that I won’t be totally disappointed if I let myself really hope.  It’s not fair to expect me to completely know what’s going on.  I’m sorry…  I understand why you could be…  frustrated…  if you’ve been trying and I don’t get it, but still…  I’ve been trying too.  Please try to see things from my perspective.

…Sigh…  To all of you who know me…  Guys, I’m sorry if any of this offends you.  And I won’t write anything like this again…  Because if I did I think I’d feel mortified.


 

And, that’s all.  Nothing more to see here folks??  Moving right along…

Sigh.

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s