I love absinthe.

Good golly.  After thinking about trying it for months and then finally being convinced I must today from passages in The Sun Also Rises, I asked Mark if he would mind finding some this evening…  He agreed and suggested a local absinthe bar (although he didn’t drink anything alcoholic).  He’s good at being game for fun…

It was…  amazing.  I tried Pernod absinthe and then had to procure a whole bottle after we left…   I love it… Far and away my favorite drink…  It’s… well… amazing!

The color…  This color that really is only best described as vert clair (is that right?)…   And then the sweet, pretty licorice smell…  Woody and elegant.  And every drop is this delicate, warm, infinitely rich, sweet, floral (at least Pernod) licorice feast for the senses.

And then the way I felt…  It was like drinking alcohol, sure.  But…  it was so much more than that.

Maybe it was just the power of suggestion (I’ve carefully read about its effects for a while because I wanted to be sure it was safe)…  I felt a little more aware.  Colors were a bit more vivid.  Sounds seemed louder.  And then, since we were sitting outside at the absinthe bar, the sun beams that came at me from between the tree limbs overhead were like a buttery, golden brightness…  Not blinding.

And I had one of the most “trippy”  experiences of my life.  Now, I don’t believe in reincarnation necessarily (I am a Christian, however imperfectly so) but…  I was having these odd feelings and images coming to me (not  hallucinations – more akin to memories)…  It was like I had imbibed absinthe before, but in a past life.  I know… that sounds soo odd and far fetched, but that’s the way it felt.

I don’t know…  Maybe it was just the fragrance I was wearing.  I applied a very rare vintage fragrance from Spain, Suspiro Granada, but since I didn’t want to waste it I only used two drops and then layered Jicky on top…  I kept smelling Jicky and drinking the Pernod Absinthe…  and seeing that sunlight through the trees…

It was…  beautiful.  I actually felt a little grief when we left (more on that later).

See, I feel like I should clarify something right now.  I’m not actually a fan of  mind altering substances.  The only drug (not including coffee or alcohol) I’ve ever tried is pot.  I tried it once at a party a long time ago and honestly…  I hated it.   It was a horrible experience.  I felt like I had lost control of myself.  I don’t like feeling like I’m disconnected from reality or unable to control my thoughts…  It’s terrifying for me.   I like feeling a little different, but not like I can’t truly experience or feel reality.  And that’s not meant to be an unkind statement or whatever to people who feel differently.

But absinthe… it’s…  entirely different.  You don’t feel like you’ve lost contact, but you do feel…  a little something more.  I can see why artists loved it…  It’s like the feeling you have when you first wake up from a good night’s sleep.  Your head feels clear, yet not to some unnatural, frightening degree…  You also feel a bit tipsy of course and…  Matter of fact, I think it would be the perfect drink for a romantic night out.

Speaking of which…

Mark sat across from me tonight and as I looked at his good-looking face and listened to his thoughts I realized how gone it all is.  And, it was never there…   He is an attractive man and he has a heart of gold.  He really does.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a chance yet to really spend time getting know a more genuinely good and caring man (hopefully that’s a big yet).  As much as I think he’s been an absolute ass to me at times over the years I don’t think it came from a dark heart…

Mark just…

I kept feeling so damn much as I sat there, with the sunlight, and the Jicky and the absinthe but every time I tried to bring him in it failed.  He wanted to connect.  We wanted to be at least able to feel some sort of deep togetherness, because we’ve been through so much together.  But it proved impossible.  So uncomfortably so, that I had to leave because I couldn’t bear to feel it all in public.  But, it’s always been impossible…   And for us that is everything

We’re the sort of people who seem like we could truly love each other because of our similar views, our temperaments and so many other aspects of who we are.   But we can never find our way into each others’ souls.  I can affect him.  He can affect me.   But it’s different.  We live in parallel worlds.   I loved him from mine…  He may have loved me from his.  Still, the two are never one…   Never have been.

We sit next to each other and feel deep peace and comfort in each other’s presence but not romantic love.  We are such beautiful friends…  It’d be sad except for the fact that we do really love each other in a very different way.

I’m sure so many people would say, “Oh, you just want a bad boy.  You liked him when he was bad…”  No, that’s not true…  And I wish he had been at the level of health, maturity and awareness he is now when I first met him because then I would have had a clearer picture of who and what I was really dealing with.   When a person is drinking heavily it does alter one’s personality and it is possible to see things in that clouded presentation that aren’t there (both good and bad)…  And I don’t mean a heightened version of what’s deep inside, but more…  drunkenness mimicking something that could but doesn’t exist.   Like an actual romance…

So, I guess, in all honesty, tonight, I tried a little to see if there was something there… with Mark.    I need to really know.  You know?   I need to be sure about what’s going on.  But, I’m such a romantic with my scruples that, despite how totally asinine it might seem to everybody but me maybe, I…  wouldn’t have…  well…  I just wouldn’t have unless we felt a love that’s not present.   Oh, I know.  That’s oddly shocking probably.  I mean, we’re still married… but…  *sigh*  I have to live with myself.  And, even if The Handsome Gentleman never reads this, is out himself doing who knows what, or doesn’t have any serious intentions in regard to me…  I just…  I have to live with myself.  Physical acts of love always will be exactly that to me and when the love isn’t there it isn’t there…    If I had felt something tonight I don’t know that even then I would have…  But I didn’t.  And I didn’t expect to (I know myself very well), in all honesty, but I had to be sure…

Oh, also, to be honest, it’s very unlikely I’ll be interested in starting something with anyone else as long as I have some sort of hope in regard to that particular fellow (The Handsome Gentleman)…  I know, I know… I know.  It probably sounds ludicrous and maybe it really is.  But, I guess, in many ways, I don’t really give a damn.  It’s just the way I am…  It probably even could seem scary to some people for a variety of reasons and in a variety of different ways.  I just…  My heart works like that.  It’d be dishonest and patronizing to pretend otherwise.  I’m not going to lie on this blog just so people think I’m a “cool chick” who is “normal” (big emphasis on the quotation marks) or some sort of pretension like that.  I am normal…   I just…  It’s not about taking things too seriously…  I just…  I literally just can’t.  My attention is pretty indivisible.  And, in a similar token, once it’s gone, it’s really gone…  And I understand and respect that most people probably aren’t like that.  I just…  oh well.  I guess to all of you reading this blog, you either understand what I’m describing or you don’t…


I actually wonder sometimes where The Handsome Gentleman is in regard to his real availability.  It is hard to know…  As I’ve been beyond miserable in my marriage there have been many moments when I was more truly, genuinely available than some “single” people are.  The only things standing between me and someone else were loyalty, pride, fear, honor, love for my husband as a person, and duty…   (Which is actually a lot)  But…  given the exact right circumstances longing to escape and trying to find a way out have been just as likely a set of emotions and orientation as my other list.  I wonder where The Handsome Gentleman’s heart is…  Maybe I’ll never know…  Or perhaps I will.

And I should add as a caveat that had I felt deep, mutual love between Mark and myself in the past I doubt I’d be “here” right now unless there had been cheating, abuse or…  something like that (not that I’m judging people).   Also, just to clarify, just because a person has my attention doesn’t mean…  wedding bells or no wedding bells…  It just means that my heart lingers about one man…  until it knows to leave….

O.k. enough about me already…  and absinthe.  Sorry.  However, I am off to drink one more glass of my new favorite drink…


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