Personal journal writing below… If this bores you, please note, I’ll post a review tomorrow.
I was on the bus one evening, riding between Saint Paul and Minneapolis in the summer of 2010, on my way to go visit Mark. An older man sitting behind me suddenly started a conversation. He had this curious twinkle in his eye. And, then he just randomly started sharing all these personal insights into my soul. It was… very memorable.
At one point he complimented me on my appearance and told me I could be an actress. I didn’t take what he was saying all that seriously. I generally never do take compliments that seriously actually, although they’re always pleasant to receive… But anyway, it was kind and I thanked him, but then told him that I was more interested in politics if anything… And then, very seriously, he told me that I should never go into politics. He told me it would change me for the worse… It would absolutely destroy someone like me. He said that he’d watched it happen.
And then he told me that the best thing for me to do to be genuinely happy was find a good man, get married and have a family. He also said that just like me he had once believed in the power of beauty and truth, but that as he grew older he had also learned the importance of sophistication. He was full of warnings… He also thought education was tremendously important…
I’ve often wondered who that man was, in all honesty. Whoever he was, he left me feeling a bit shaken. It was that sort of conversation… He looked at me with such knowing. We parted, both got off the bus, and I never ran into him again. I’m not entirely sure what I think about his words now, but they’ve been vividly preserved in my memory.
Beauty and truth… The power of beauty and truth. I still believe in that power… Maybe it’s because I still believe in God. But I do believe… Sophistication is very useful, it’s true. But it doesn’t have the same ultimate pull, I don’t think… I wonder if he’d have agreed?
Hopefully, these thoughts make sense? Haha… Oh dear. Well…
I feel so torn about Handsome right now. On the one hand, there’s this earth shattering possibility. And he seems to be this gorgeous being… I’d like to think we could reach into each other’s souls. And how much more lovely and hot can romance be than that? But, there’s always this lingering doubt in my mind that it’s even happening… Basically that anything is happening between us. I can never totally shake that doubt.
There have been times I’ve wondered if he’s tried to be clear in his own way… One time I thought he might even be making a reference to a scene from the film Say Anything after I mentioned it in a post. But, damn it’s so hard to know… It wasn’t completely clear. And, I can so so easily convince myself that it must all be my dreamy, romantic imagination that created something between us for many reasons… So, frankly, a part of me feels like I should cut my losses and stop trying to believe.
But then I keep thinking about this deep sense I have that it’s not just my mind playing tricks on me. And I keep thinking about the things he seems to do that feel real, personal and meaningful. There could even be some somewhat sound logic to that feeling too on occasion.
However, I don’t want to make a total fool of myself, even if the humiliation is confined to my own mind and heart, or even to this blog. And, in relation to that, I don’t want to go through the pain of deep disappointment if I realize it was a mirage…
So, Handsome, if you’re reading this: I hope your intentions and heart are in the right place and… please don’t give up if you really feel something the way it seems you might and I do too. I’m sorry I don’t understand more what’s going on or if I’m causing you any sort of stress or frustration… I’m a smitten (it feels a bit foolish to even say that). There seem to be a lot of serious complications and things to consider and, I’m hoping, if there’s something there that you’re waiting to really clue me in for some good reason… I could imagine several if I try, but still… I don’t know.
If you’re just being cruel in some way and it’s all some silly game to you then please stop giving me room to hope… I would think that would be obvious to any even half decent person though.
…As I’m sitting here thinking about what I’m writing, it occurs to me that this message (and a lot of the post) to Handsome could easily have been written to God… (with adjustments made) That wasn’t consciously intentional as I was writing it.
I wonder if God and/or Handsome will read this… As odd as it is considering that Handsome is a walking, breathing… beautiful man I can admire with my eyes, and Jesus is in Heaven, I actually think I’d believe it more likely that God would read this. But that’s just how deeply I believe in God… Handsome, I want to believe, and I’m so taken that I’ll keep trying… If I give up of course I’ll write about it, however pointless that would of course seem at that time.
Oh, and Mark and I are now separated again… He’s also still my best friend.