…Quick Vent

On Monday, in the afternoon I posted this.  And I didn’t write a review because I realized that I never write reviews on Mondays…

My mind has been mushy lately.  This whole situation with this man has taken me off-guard and I’m frustrated with myself for how I’m handling it, but…  I’m trying.   It’s such a delicate balance between being authentic and having common sense.

I’ll post a review later today, because I always post reviews on Tuesdays.  At least, I mostly do…


 

I need to vent.  Seriously…

I’m not sure what to do in this moment.   I feel like Handsome might have been trying to reach out to me today, but…  again, I can’t tell…  (There were things that suggested I’ve been imagining everything too.  And in this moment I can’t decide what to feel.  And I want to get this moment right.

I’m feeling angry.  But I don’t know  if I should be…   Now normally, I don’t second guess my feelings.  They’re emotions and they’re neither right nor wrong but…  this time I’m not sure.

I’m really starting to think that either a total zero is happening with Handsome or…  maybe I overestimated his sensitivity the other night???  (So disappointing if true) In my world, this moment is…  not good.   I’m already unhappily married (although currently separated) to a man who is generally oblivious to how anything  (not exaggerating) he does will affect me unless I directly tell him or he’s already made me cry and figured it out from there…

But even as I’m writing this I’m scared.  I’m scared Handsome will read it and think I’m ridiculous in some way…  Maybe for a. taking time to write this, and b. a million other things…   But oh well.  I might as well save him the time of pissing him off or etc. beyond repair now by being real instead of later.

I dunno.

It just…   I feel like I’m left with one of three options.  I can assume that he does understand what this feels like for me and does realize how things can seem (painfully) confusing from my view but missed how I would interpret something…  Or, I can think that he doesn’t get it, which makes me wonder if he’s maybe a little…  (I can’t think of a good or truly right word to use)  Or, I can assume that he would understand but can’t because, well, there’s absolutely nothing going on.

Are there other options?  Maybe…

See…  I don’t think the situation is fair, to be honest.  I write this blog.  If he’s really that interested in me and something is taking place he has this as a reference and I’ve tried to be open at least in part because I thought it could be useful to him…  But, I have no reference for his position other than things that are ambiguous and my intuition.   And…  just the nature of the situation is inherently tipped to his benefit, in my opinion…   It’s also one that is inherently confusing. But maybe I’m wrong about that last part, and that’s part of what scares me.

But, I’m losing patience.  Maybe he is too.  Maybe I’m not “worth the trouble?”  Or maybe his heart is somewhere else with someone else?   I don’t know…  (Gosh that sentence keeps being used so often on this blog.)

So…  as a last ditch attempt to hope, Handsome, below is something to engage me with.  If you don’t feel comfortable being more open I think understand for now (maybe?!?) because, as I wrote before, I think I can imagine good and even thoughtful reasons…   If you bring this up in some non-obscure way, I’ll know on some level, at least, that I’m not totally out of my mind…

Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner…  The actors.  The producers…  The history of interracial marriage maybe?   I don’t know…  I just need it to be obvious enough so I can know at least that something is going on between us.   Also, I’m going to delete this post if you ever reference the film, because I think what I’ve shared feels too vulnerable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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