I said I would take the last post down if I ever felt that it was clear that Handsome had engaged me on the topic of conversation I mentioned… Today it was possible that he mentioned it. Possible. So I’m not taking it down…
Funnily enough, I had another man much more clearly mention the film to me today in passing… 🙂 I’m not sure if he reads this blog or not… If so, first, thank you for reading my blog! Secondly, you may be a handsome man, 🙂 but I’m afraid you are not “The Handsome Gentleman.” Thank you for taking the risk and putting yourself out there. Seriously. I think that’s very admirable.
So, I’m just going to write the rest of this post with the premise that Handsome might very well read it. If he doesn’t, then what do I lose anyway by being honest? Right?
…I think, Handsome, that you’re scared of openly pursuing me in any real way. Or maybe you just don’t know what you want… Perhaps both?
I want to make something clear: my desire to know whether or not there’s something going on between us hasn’t been a desire to control you or the situation other than to be able to control myself. I hate not knowing what’s going on around me. I’m a very sensitive person and everything deeply affects me. And, I’ve found the best way to cope with that is to brace myself and face things head on. It’s like pulling off a band-aid quickly. It hurts but then it’s over and then you feel better…
But dealing with anxiety, pain, and etc. that way requires a genuine understanding of things. I’ve really just mainly wanted to know if what seemed to be happening was real or my imagination. I wasn’t trying to force things in any direction. And, when something is as mesmerizing and… amazing… and yet totally mind-bending as this experience has been (at least it has been for me), it is nearly poisonous for me to wallow in any significant confusion for too long. So honestly (because sincerity goes both ways), I’m not exactly… the most excited about the lack of clarity on your end.
Look, I get not knowing exactly what you want or what’s best. That can take time to discern. And frankly, depending on what your considerations are, and the sincerity and overall value of your concerns I might even deeply respect your qualms and wavering. Truly.
The problem is that… I don’t wait around easily. It’s just not my personality. I tried to with Mark in very, very different and much easier circumstances and it was… a disaster.
The biggest mistake I made was trying too hard to figure out what he wanted for months and months and years instead of being real about what I needed. I felt so much real love for him… and I knew I did, so I bet on that lasting until he “came around.” But, by the time he may have loved me in a meaningful way I had exhausted my feelings. And then it was… and has been… just a mess. Perhaps if I had made my feelings clear and then backed off and let him “do his thing” he might have eventually decided to “come after me.” And, I might have still been interested… but then again, I might not have been and I knew that about myself. And what we had, whatever it was, seemed so… wonderful at the time. I didn’t want to risk losing it just because he was experiencing our love at a different pace than me. But it was the only thing I should have done – just risk it. Taking that risk, no matter how “dangerous” it felt at that time, was the only way to something potentially lasting.
Also, I’ve come to believe that frankly, his lack of decision was only a sign of something being wrong on a much deeper level between “us.” Those sort of things can often mean that with some frequency I think.
So… here it is: I think I have been falling for you. You’re a very special person. And I suspect every compliment I’ve given you might be beautiful, gut-wrenching truth. I am smitten (as much as I sincerely can be given the brevity of our… whatever it has been)… Just everything about you is fascinating and attractive to me. Truly… I could go on and on…
But… it would be disrespectful to myself and ultimately useless to you for me to “hang on” as I have been. For what? Possibly for nothing? No sir. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.
Yet, of course, (I would think anyone who’s ever seen a romance film would know this) I’ll secretly hope you will eventually be more clear, or something for who knows how long (actually it’s painful to me to think how long)… But… I can’t truly stick around emotionally, hoping and longing from a distance with what you’ve given me. I’m sorry.
And see, here’s the other thing: I actually care about people. I really do. And, for all I know, you’re deeply in love with someone else or… something… and it would be best for you (and possibly them, who knows) if you never pursued me in any clear way. My only concern in that scenario (and I mean this objectively) is that, if you have been reading my blog, and you have had some interest in me… why is that? I hope you’re honest with yourself about why and whether you ever “come after me” or not, I hope you give yourself credit and take your needs (whatever they are) seriously. Again, that’s not an argument in my direction… Truly. Just an observation. Sorry if it sounds condescending. It’s not meant to. And, I’m sorry if it’s too personal…
So, I’ll still think of you… and hope and dream, but it won’t be the same as it was for me now. I’m sorry. Bottom line: I can’t truly give myself in any sincere and lasting way, even incrementally to someone who doesn’t really want me. I’m not sure anyone can for that matter.
So… see you around. 🙂
Oh, and… tomorrow is my five year wedding anniversary. Mark and I will be going out. I’ve started drinking a nice Bordeaux tonight. And eating chocolate. I don’t expect fireworks (romance), but at least I have a truly nice guy to hang out with. 🙂 And I’ll get to wear a pretty dress tomorrow night. So that will be nice.
And I’m buying Liu tonight. Good golly I adore that scent…
Until tomorrow all! 🙂
p.s. Handsome, you have such handsome blue eyes… And damn but I’m miserable. I wish you’d just… Oh well.