In All Honesty…

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Today I spent the majority of the day with my husband.  We walked to the beach together where we met my mother, our cousin and my son.  And then we walked back to my cousin’s house together again.  We talked a lot, as always, while meandering through woods, down charming streets with Victorian houses and past vintage cars.

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One of the topics we discussed was Handsome, of course.  And, to be really honest, I’m still trying to believe that it’s even real.  And, I also keep looking for the dark clouds.  I keep asking myself what’s going to happen next that will make it all sad…  or nothing.  Even if there has been some sort of genuine magic, I question what “the catch” must be.

Handsome, I’m sorry if that seems hurtful.  If you care in some way…  I especially don’t mean to sound unappreciative of what it seems you’ve done.  I know I’ve said this sort of thing before, (maybe most of this whole post is unoriginal) but it seems like something you’d read about in a book (maybe), but not something that would ever happen in real life, no matter how much you wanted it to.

I wonder if you just mean for us to keep flirting, with no deeper connection then just that…  Just some sort of “fun.”   I could easily see someone having that as their intention in our particular situation…

But really, regardless of what’s been happening, or hasn’t, I think it doesn’t hurt to explain a few things about myself.  If you’ve read this far on my blog, I would have thought you might have drawn some conclusions about me, but…  I’d like to add further clarity.  I hope it doesn’t sound harsh or seem to be abrupt or too terribly awkward in its timing.

Handsome I do find you very attractive.  Well, much more than that actually, but given the fact that I have no idea how attractive you find me I don’t want to keep going on about it… I hope that makes sense…   🙂 But anyhow, this has been something very different then just an amusement for me, and in all frankness, if your sole purpose in our interactions is just to flirt then I don’t think I’m interested in flirting any longer.  I’m sorry…   It’s been fun, of course, but that’s not something I’m looking to do just for its own sake for longer then it’s already been going on.  I’m sorry if you feel like you’ve wasted your time if that’s what you’re looking for…

What I do want is an authentic, and meaningful connection with a man.  I don’t want to just be his “special friend” or his…  whatever…  I want something that has potential.  And that’s not to say that I want to leap down the aisle with someone.   But, I do want room for a relationship to grow.    And, I have no idea where all of this leaves things between us…

I don’t know where your heart is…  If it’s reachable or if it’s truly taken.   And, as I’ve said before, speaking from experience, I am not one to assume things.  Matter of fact, based on my marriage I look at most relationships or the lack of them as being much more complicated than the obvious.  Some single people have a lot of “special friends” (or special issues) and are totally unavailable for any potentially long term, intimate, or close anything…  And some marriages are like an old, rotting house just waiting for a strong gust to blow it over.  And then there are open marriages…  and single people who have absolutely no idea what they want.  There are married people who don’t know what they want…

Anyway, I have no real idea if you intend for things to go somewhere or…  any of that.   How could I?  You know?  I don’t know so many things…

But I do know who I am and what I want.  I do know that I will never compete for a man’s heart ever again.  Once was enough to teach me about the futility of such a situation.  I know I want a relationship that can go deep…  I do know that I want to take my time (but not forever) and enjoy getting to know a man before I am married again.   I want something…  magical (at least at first).  And I don’t want to settle for less than a relationship that feels like coming home…

I warned you that I’m an intense and serious person.  I really am.  So, sorry if this post seems too…  depressing?

Regardless of what you want thank you for all the beauty and mystery you’ve added to my days for at least a little while…    And, to be perfectly honest, at times I really feel like I have had something so rare with you that this entire post would be, in truth, unnecessary, but…  it is a mystery.

I hope you’re having a good weekend.   You have seemed tired when I’ve seen you, no matter how handsome you really are, and I hope you’re ok.  Anyway…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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