Regret

Late night thoughts are odd ones…

Can I just say that I love my writing?  And I know it needs improving, but to be honest, so does a lot of what I read on the internet nowadays…   If That Guy (formally Handsome) thought I was stupid based on my writing then I ask him to look at his own writing with the same critical and pretentious eye.  I’ve read some of his words and frankly I suspect that he’s not that much better of a writer than I am in terms of innate ability..   And I certainly have a better understanding of human beings.  I don’t hate them…  To understand humans is to see our fragility and beauty.  The beginning of empathy rests in understanding how painful everyone’s life is in one way or another and giving people some sort of mercy and benefit of the doubt no matter how cruel they are…   I don’t care if my heart bleeds.  This is an awful world and if your heart isn’t “bloody” you’re either dead or dying…

If I sound lofty and arrogant I’m sorry.  It’s just that I love myself.  And no, I’m not a narcissist.  I just genuinely love myself…   I was fortunate enough to have a mother who showed me acceptance and real love.   I love my own humanity.  I love it

Handsome, or That Guy…  I suspect you’ll be reading this, because I think you really did care about me on some level.   And I think you really were not just some all terrible and unfeeling man…

You shouldn’t have done what you did, but I think you know that by now.  I wonder why you did it…

I still have feelings for you.  You probably know that…   I still even want to be with you.  But, as my husband pointed out, I have no idea how I could ever truly trust you now…  You showed a really profound lack of respect and concern for my feelings.  You totally disregarded my humanity.  You treated me like an animal or worse.  You turned me into nothing but a play thing…  or at least, you tried to.  But I didn’t really let you.  Did I?  Not really…   And see that’s the thing with bullies, like you, you envy people like me.  You hate us because we remind you of all of your worst fears about yourself.  We remind you of every self-loathing thought you have…  I know we do.

Love yourself you stupid little fool.  Love yourself and you become invincible.  Can you do it?  Do you have the courage to be honest about who you really are?  Can you even read this without finding some cowardly intellectual exit?  Some way to avoid the reality that you can’t handle?  What are you hiding?  I wonder…  I really do.  Maybe you’re a sociopath.  But then again, maybe you’re just a messed up person who is living a glittery, but damned existence.

You know I’m right.  I know you do…  People mock what they fear…

You don’t need me.  You need yourself.

But…  I still do care, and I know I “shouldn’t” but I do.  Maybe I just see things in you that you don’t see in yourself and maybe that means something…  Or maybe I see them in everybody.  🙂   Either way, you’ll have to come after me…  it’s on you.  And, if you don’t, I hope you find someone to truly love who truly loves you.   Someday…  somewhere.    I hope you’re capable of that kind of real happiness…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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