The Wrong Way

I feel horrible.  I honestly do.  But, I’ve felt worse in my life.

I knew I was taking a risk when I started to write on this blog about Handsome and pursue him in my own silly way.  And there were many risks.  One of them that I knew would hurt the most was to be misunderstood.  As I’m processing through what happened, I think I was genuinely misunderstood, or at least, that’s what I like to believe because it allows for Handsome and his seeming friends to not have been totally cruel people without any sort of reason.  I think they really did think I was crazy (like I said earlier today)…  or trying to get attention or who knows what

*sigh*

No, I just think differently than most people.  And not in some “crazy” way.  See, I see people as all being just people.  It doesn’t matter who we “are” we’re just…  people.  And I know most people don’t see the world that way.  But, I do…

There are hierarchies and groups and so on and so forth.  But in my mind, it’s all really just chaos in terms of who ends up where in life.  Where we are born…  and who we are born to, etc. So, why couldn’t one person in one situation far removed from another person somehow find some connection?  We’re not animals neatly divided by species in some zoo.  Why couldn’t a person see someone’s face and just see into their soul?  And, again, I know a lot of people won’t either understand what I mean or if they do they’ll just think it’s utter rubbish.  But, people’s voice, their faces, their words…  simple things, can tell you a lot and why couldn’t two people notice each other and somehow connect?  I think it’s theoretically possible and it seems like a beautiful thing to me.  Why couldn’t two souls, hearts and minds recognize some profound beauty in each other rather easily?

I know the views I have are not shared, appreciated or respected by everyone, but I had to take a risk.  Why not?!  Life is about risk.  And I figured the worst that could happen would be that he wouldn’t notice me or if he did think I was a weird for the attention I gave him he would just ignore me (I’ve had offers from men over the years that I’ve ignored because that’s what you do when you’re not interested…).  I never expected him to read my blog unless I meant something lovely to him.  Why would anyone care to read my blog if they aren’t interested in perfume unless they had “noticed me” somehow?   It didn’t make sense to me.  I honestly thought if there wasn’t some magical connection between us that he wouldn’t “notice me.”  But I guess I was under the wrong impression about what people pay attention to?   My husband thinks he just thought I was hot.  I don’t know about that…  I’ve never considered myself that attractive, honestly.  But maybe if I am to him that’s possible?  I think it’s very possible he just noticed all the attention I was giving him and wanted to figure out who I was because he was curious.  I feel very stupid for not thinking that part through more…  and anticipating what could happen.  I just kept thinking he wouldn’t care to bother with me unless there was something lovely happening…

I suppose he could have noticed me because I was attractive and then thought it would be funny to turn me into a joke for his amusement?  I did eventually think he might just want to flirt…   I don’t know…  He seems to have been very mean.   And that’s sad if it’s true.  I’m not judging him, but I do think that that would be sad…  and incredibly callous.  And, yet, I have had such a crush on him that I guess it would be flattering if he thought I was attractive.  But…  having someone take advantage of your genuine sweetness and heart because they find you attractive is not really worth the compliment I suppose.

Handsome, if you still read this blog, and I think it’s possible you do, I don’t know why you started reading and I don’t entirely know why you’re still reading it…   I really don’t understand what happened from your perspective other than the few things I’ve been able to piece together.  Most of which have been pretty awful…   Are you just a chauvinist?  I hope not.  Or do you believe you’re truly better than other people and anyone who isn’t like you is beneath you?  I tend to think that latter is most possibly true.  And I’m disappointed to discover that…   You seemed like someone who was able to see how that narrative doesn’t always measure up.   Maybe you are just a fake person like I’ve previously suggested…

Or maybe…  maybe nothing.  I mean, I’ve certainly learned from this experience, although I can’t say that it gives me a particularly positive view of the world to any degree, and actually I think a lot of less of people in general at this point.  So, thanks for that Handsome.  I really needed one more crappy experience in life where I was genuinely misunderstood and people tried to humiliate me in subtle ways because of it.  For that, I really do think you have been a terrible person, but I’m hoping it’s just for the same reasons that everyone has ever bullied or intentionally hurt me.  They just…  dislike what they either can’t control, conquer or understand.  And it irritates them so much that they just want to lash out…

I truly didn’t want anything from you other than just…  what I thought was a connection.  And I’m guessing that might sound ludicrous, or impossible to be true, or that it would make me very lacking in intelligence, but again, I just have a very different view of things than you…  I think.   I never even thought that much about you other than having a crush until I thought there was a possible connection, so if you thought I was just a groupie to your greatness that’s actually not true.  I think you’re a brilliant and fascinating person, but I wasn’t obsessed with you…

I really hope to someday find someone like who I thought you were.  Perhaps you even really are that person to some degree…  I like to think I wasn’t that far off in that regard.

No, I don’t think you’ve understood many things, and I’m sorry for giving you so many wrong impressions (although I think you could have been a bit… more…  imaginative and empathetic in trying to grasp the situation to be honest).  And I have been confused too, obviously.  I really wish you had just ignored me unless you found some worth in getting to know me on some human, lovely level like what I thought was actually possibly happening…   I still wish I could have gotten to know you more, despite it all, and in a very dark and sad way I guess I have a bit.  But I would have liked to have discovered if what I thought I saw in you was true…

 

 

 

 

 

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