So today was another fairly ugly day…   I’m getting tired of ugly days.  I feel like I keep making an earnest effort to be understanding and understood by Handsome but instead just find myself being judged and insulted.  At one point I felt like just giving up on it all and entirely letting it go.  The thought came to to me that if a man, who was even a really good person in his own way, just couldn’t grasp my perspective (and insisted on being harsh at the very least) no matter how hard I tried then it was pointless to keep interacting.   Also, why would I want to interact with someone who had such little respect for me?  A man who seemed very stuck in his own perspective…   Bless his heart (and I really mean that).

But I have this feeling that if I just keep explaining that eventually he’ll grasp it, even a little.  I don’t know why I want to be understood so badly by him, but for some reason I do.  I do realize it might be futile…

I keep thinking about a situation that happened to me in college with a professor.  It was a dark but very useful experience.

While I was a work-study student at the college library, I knew a Polish woman who had grown up in communist Poland and immigrated to the US as an older adult.  She was so smart.  I loved engaging in conversations with her and often I would keep from debating her ideas (she was very conservative) because I just wanted to absorb what she was really trying to say.  She had so much life experience.

Anyway, at one point, while we were talking I had an idea to do an independent study with her focusing on Polish history with the guidance of one of the professors in the history department.  So, I approached my advisor and a history professor and they both guided me to one particular history professor who specialized in European History.  I exchanged emails with this professor and he agreed to a short meeting in his office with me to discuss my potential independent study project.  Well, it went absolutely horribly…  Fairly out of nowhere he attacked me and called me selfish for trying to take up his time and implied that I was an odd person for even thinking about doing an independent study on Poland. “Why not Germany or France?!” he said.   And then, after insulting me, he told me to take his class.  He also accused me of lying about actually asking my advisor’s opinion first because apparently my advisor wouldn’t have approved of such an idiotic idea…   I’m sugar-coating how mean and accusatory he was…

I almost cried in his office.  And afterwards I remember wondering what in the world had even just happened…

Well, firstly, apparently my advisor had misunderstood things and she apologized for guiding me to him in the first place.  But really, I think I know what happened now at least in part.  For one thing, I think there were politics potentially involved…  The Polish woman was indeed very conservative and she often voiced her opinion on campus and this professor was an outspoken liberal professor.  I know she clashed with some professors when they came into the library.   But I always felt things were kept on a respectful level…  I do wonder though.  I wonder if he felt some sort of animosity because I was connected to her.

I also think he didn’t understand where I was coming from in general.  I think he truly thought I was ridiculous for trying to take up his precious time (he was extremely busy) with what he considered to be a somewhat silly project…  “This isn’t a research university.” he yelled at me.

And…  taking that experience into perspective in regard to Handsome, well, I think a few things are possibly explained.  I think Handsome is quite similar to the history professor.  And, while I don’t fully understand it, I think they both have that somewhat callous and yet somehow effective approach to life.  I’m sure they both are very capable of accomplishing a lot.  And I admire that.   But, at the same time, I think people like that seem to either miss the importance and value of kindness or they don’t understand how to be truly kind in various circumstances.  Maybe I’m wrong…

It’s just, there are nice ways to deal with people who are “bothering you” and ways that only add more pain to humanity.  Why wouldn’t you want to pick the way that makes things more…  pleasant?  Right?

And, truth be told, I’m probably judging Handsome and that professor, because I am a very kind person by nature.  I’ve been told that my entire life.  It comes very easily to me.  I’m an extremely sensitive person.  I honestly am…   I’m probably too sensitive at times actually.

To me to be so crass and cold (if you choose to engage at all)  just seems…  stupid.  It seems tacky.  And I suppose that’s ironic, because to be truly empathetic would be to understand that people are not all going to be the sort to try hard to be nice…   I should respect that difference.   I’m sure there is value in the way they are.  Truly.  I just have been hurt by it (and it seems inherently potentially hurtful and rude to others)…  so I am naturally going to be biased against it.

Anyhow, Handsome, if you are reading this, I’m not entirely what I did to garner your torture but I’m sorry if I actually did something wrong.

I’d also like to explain a few more things.  First, I don’t assume things in the same direction you do, I don’t think?  I assume them in other ways.  I think we are all guilty of thinking that other people are more like us than they are in some way (and ironically more different than they are in others?).  So, for me, I assume that people, like I keep repeating, will ignore opportunities that aren’t suitable or meaningful to them.  I assumed that you would just ignore me if you thought there was something immoral, odd or troubling about it all in any way.  I thought that if you thought it was crazy or ridiculous –  if you didn’t think it was positive – you would just ignore it…  Ignore me.  Because that’s what I would do.  I’ve done it actually…   Many times.  I’ve ignored a lot of people in a polite way.  And I’ve seen others do it too I suppose.  Furthermore, given how busy I would think you are, it didn’t make sense to me that you would bother with something that wasn’t worth your time.   Why engage with a person who you don’t respect or think is strange if you don’t have to?!  Read my blog??  I still don’t understand entirely…   I really don’t…  even with the attention I gave you.  I would think you get plenty of attention to a certain degree…  Maybe in a different way though?

So, anyway, the fact that you did engage me is why I thought it was so magical (as I’ve said before).  When you kept interacting with me I thought it meant something.  I assumed we were on the same page and therefore had something significant about our inner selves in common because why else would you continue to do so.  Furthermore, I thought you had good reasons for not asking me out or whatever.  I thought you maybe just couldn’t but might later on…  I wasn’t sure.  I assumed much too much.  But I’ve never been in a situation quite like this before.

So, I don’t know.  I wish I could sit down with you calmly in person, if it was of any value to do so, and discuss what happened.  It would be interesting, at least to me.

I still have a crush on you of course.  It’s not a choice.   Those sort of things aren’t really a choice, I don’t think.  At least not for me…   And, I still find you truly fascinating, but I have my doubts that you have any clue as to the real reasons why.  I wasn’t looking for the shallow and meaningless things I think you’ve assumed.   But anyhow…  And, I certainly didn’t mean to interrupt your life in any negative way, or cause anyone any pain.  Again, (and for the last time) I  just assumed you would only engage with me if you thought it was a prudent thing to do – if you thought it was intriguing or something…  lovely.  That’s why I took it so seriously…   I’m not a reckless or crazy person…  I do respect other people.  I just assumed you had thought it through (and not in some perverse sort of way)…

Well, I’m not sure what’s going on really on your end, but…  I wish you well? And if you ever wanted to actually get to know me in a real way I might still do it actually…   But I’m not sure I should even say that because you’ll probably just think it’s weird or that I’m a loser in some way…    And you did seem quite mean…  But, at any rate, I’ll always find you handsome I guess.  I can almost be certain of that…

So, the bottom line is, I thought it was wild and yes, perhaps even a bit absurd (not insane).  And yes, it was a bit awkward and odd in some respects…  Or even a juvenile narrative maybe in some way…  Yet, it wasn’t at the same time.  Because, to me, romance is about connection.  And if such a sparse and fraught interaction could produce a real, meaningful connection I thought it would be very lovely, amazing and rare.  Anyway, the idea of it deeply intrigued me, so I went along with it…

Oh well…  Enough rambling and repeating myself.








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