Someone Special

…I’ve always wanted to find someone who loved me and who I could love.  But I’ve never found it. Maybe I never will…

In the last few weeks I thought I had found something very unique and beautiful that could potentially turn into something real and lasting.  I felt a place in my heart had been touched in a meaningful way…  Regardless of what happened though, I was deceived.  And I still doubt Handsome really grasps who I am or what I thought was happening, but oh well.  Perhaps he doesn’t care and in that case, it doesn’t really matter whether he understands almost anything, I suppose…

Anyway, I really do want to find genuine mutual love someday.  The one certain good thing to come of my recent nightmare experience is that I really do see my relationship with Mark more clearly.  Even if I was just interacting with a man pretending (at some point) to be what I wanted, as I’ve said, I at least know more how bad it really is between Mark and I.  I’m not sure where that leaves us, but it doesn’t look good for our future together…

Mark and I will definitely be stuck in Seattle for a while longer.  And we might even still consider going to the UK for a while anyway.  St. Paul made more sense back when I thought our marriage was doing better (a month or two ago?)…  And, I mean, this is how I pragmatically see it: a.  if we get divorced there’s no guarantee either of us will find someone else or… whatever.  So what’s the rush in that regard?  b.   We have a son to raise together so it’s not like we’ll stop seeing each other any time soon.  And, c. we really did want to live in Europe for a while…  Combine all of those factors and it leaves me thinking that there’s lots of reasons to stay together per se (but separated), live in Europe for a while, and then perhaps get divorced when we return?   It seems a bit unconventional by American standards maybe, but…  maybe it could work? I dunno…

Anyway, I’m back to writing about fragrances, occasionally journaling, and my sometime short story.  I really do enjoy writing…

p.s. Handsome if you still read this – when I said it would be nice to get to know you I meant either by email or something like that…  Something that’s clear and direct.  I suspect I need to be clear about that so you don’t think I’m suggesting something mentally off…  Oh dear.

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