A Day Later

Even though I had a nagging anxiety about what I thought had happened with Handsome I had decided that I was fairly certain he had somehow tricked me.  But then, as I wrote about earlier, after praying about it in the middle of the night I started to question things.  A while later, when my son woke me up and wanted to be held I sat there with him in our living room in the wee morning hours and I wondered some more.  And now, after interacting more with Handsome today, I am fairly confident I misunderstood him, as I said in my previous post.

I still feel very bad and depending on how mistaken I was I probably will for a long time.  I can’t completely imagine what my emotionally driven and at times daft words over the last few days must have felt like for him to read. I just had these ideas based on the evidence I thought I had about the situation, but I think they were very very wrong understandings…  Obviously.

But see, this is the difficult thing.  What’s between us has been so complex and…  my mind has struggled to fully process it all as fast as I would like.  I try my hardest to get a firm hold on what it all is exactly, and the best way to approach things and how to respond, but I have missed things, certainly.  And one of the biggest challenges in gathering myself together rests in the conflict between my desire to be open and upfront in matters of the heart (in my own quiet way) and the context in which our romance exists.  Well, and for a long time of course, I was at least half questioning if I was just imagining the whole thing…

Being able to feel safe and comfortable to express myself on this blog has been so useful.  But, I also know it’s a public forum, so I try to be as vague and private as possible.  Yet, sometimes I just want to share things…  I just want to express how deeply I really feel.

So Handsome, one more time, I’m sorry…

Just to be clear, I still don’t know what your situation really is entirely…  I don’t know what you’re looking for from our interactions, or if you even know.   I also don’t know what you really need…  But, I really do want what’s best for you.   And, I am falling for you, as much as makes sense or is possible…   I am…

Should I give you my number?   No? Hmm…  I wish I could waltz up to you on some dark, romantic, and quiet street, kiss you momentarily and then step away and quizzically wait for a response.  But that seems next to truly impossible.  It might not even be effective, but I would enjoy it…  🙂

I feel like I should also add that when it comes to Mark, I really do try to filter through what he says…  He’s still the only person who really knows about you.   And, while I don’t always trust his opinions I do trust him…   He didn’t help me figure out my mistake the other day, but it wasn’t his direct fault that I misunderstood things either.

I hope anyone who reads this is having a good weekend.  Sorry if it’s too personal.  I honestly don’t mind on my own behalf, but if it bothers anyone, including people I’ve mentioned, I do apologize.


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