I Give Up

So, I highly suspect (again) I was just imagining the entire thing with the man I called Handsome.  I sent that message tonight and he seemed to not even notice, actually quite the opposite…  And then he seemed to be laughing when I was sad.  So, I must have created a romance in my mind out of truly amazing coincidences…    And I mean wow…  Those were some crazy coincidences.  Seriously…   I really got my hopes up.  It’s actually extremely disturbing to me how real they made things seem.

But…   I’ve been alone in it the entire time, most likely.  It’s been just an extension of…  me.  Just me.  All me…  Just like always.  Always...

And if that sounds narcissistic, oh no…  Hahaha…   No.  It’s a mirthful sort of resignation to how totally miserable it is to often find yourself alone when it had seemed otherwise.

Handsome, I doubt you read this blog, but…  if you do you have my number now.  I don’t think I can keep hoping the way I was, and you can find me now if you want to…

Although, to be honest, if you never pursue me you basically leave me no choice but to assume you either were cruel and/or totally jaded (or even perversely jaded) or that I imagined everything, because if it wasn’t just in my mind you definitely gave me false hope…

I’m not going to lie, this definitely is soul crushing.  I can handle it, but it is…  deeply depressing.  I just wish for once I was able to find something that seemed beautiful and actually was…

But my life could be a million times worse, or I could just be dead.  And for my son’s sake I’m glad neither are true.


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