This is difficult to write. I don’t know if I’ll receive a phone call from Handsome again or not, but regardless… I’m almost certain it was him this morning who called me.
I feel the need to be more authentic than I usually even am tonight. I’m what, I at least, would consider a pretty sincere person, but there’s a part of me that is rarely voiced. My mother has probably seen it, and so have my son and husband. And, even though I’ve been that real with her, I would bet that my mother has missed things, as much as I know she genuinely loves me. Mark has likely missed most of it… And, as it often seems to happen with children and parents, I would bet that my son likely picks up on most of it whether I want him to or not, even when I’m not intentionally trying to be open. Kids are all brilliant in a way… You know? Not much truly escapes them, I don’t think. I remember when my mind was that agile and aware and I wish I could get that quickness back sometimes.
I’m not sure how the whole situation with Handsome started. 🙂 I would probably have to have a long, in person conversation with him to really get to any sort of accurate understanding of how it started. Although, funnily enough, I usually have a much clearer memory about moments in life that could be important or are… One night, I even remember trying to rehash in my mind the entire thing to figure out if it was in my imagination and there was a peculiar haziness surrounding the beginning. I’m not entirely sure what happened… Again, I’d probably have to have a long talk with him to find some sort of clear answer. Or maybe my mind would let me see it more if I reread my own blog posts… but I’m not ready to do that just yet. Something in me would find that too difficult right now because I remember feeling so in awe at the start, and there have been a few roller coasters so going back there is… too much. Someday I’m sure, regardless of what unfolds, it won’t be.
Now, what is happening… Well, that’s… breathtaking. At least, I think it is. I suspect it all could be, but… that’s just a possibility. I don’t know.
It seems like, at any rate, we may have somehow managed, to get into each other’s heads in some way. Now, before that sounds like science fiction or insanity, let me preface that by saying that I think there could be somewhat ordinary explanations. I mean, we may just be really similar people in some unknown, maybe even profound way? But intriguingly not similar in a way that creates a “brother and sister” or totally platonic sort of connection. It would have to be in a way that creates romance… At least, so far… And frankly, I would hope whether I should or not, that it would stay on that path.
And, in relation to that, I think Handsome and I might both be very intuitive people. At least, I know I am. So perhaps that’s part of it all too… Actually, I, at the risk of sounding truly out of my mind or like I’m bragging in a strange way, would say that I am perhaps… particularly intuitive. I pick up on very subtle things and interpret them in my mind without even realizing it, I think. And other times it might even go further than that… But, that would require a supernatural realm, I think, and while I believe in that I know many people don’t.
Who knows… 🙂 I think it’s at least fun to wonder about all the possibilities whether simple or… even supernatural. And, that’s not meant to incite any sort of reaction, I’m just being honest.
I suppose, when it comes down to it, everything is still mysterious about it all, not just the start. It could be instinct or… ? But, whatever it is that caused something to happen between Handsome and me, I think, and humbly submit, that it would be nearly impossible to really, truly know right now. Right? I wish I did know… and yet, it is sort of lovely to not know entirely too. Maybe…
And, of course, if he does call again, who knows what that will be like. I think there are still many moments that could bring the entire thing to be more… common in some way, and perhaps they’ve already happened for Handsome, but they haven’t yet for me. But, I don’t know. It could all be amazing… Some part of me would even be surprised if it wasn’t at least a little amazing, to be really truthful. But of course, who knows…
The only thing I can think to do is to just take it slowly, one step at a time? We could discover that we aren’t what we had hoped, or… not that. Right? We only know what we have guessed about each other or been able to glean from our interactions… Well, and Handsome, you’ve had this blog. However, useful or not you’ve found it for coming to an understanding of me – what I feel and think, who I am in general and what I believe. I suppose, I could get to know you more and find that my suppositions were quite false. But… I can’t let that stop me. It’s just not my nature, I guess. And, as long as I am careful, and I’ve tried to be, I feel safe taking the risk of finding out what this is piece by piece. It would bother me to never know.
But anyway, I really do mean well. And I hope you do too… My instincts are borne out of desire to find something truly beautiful (as I’ve said) with one man. And I think to elaborate more I would require a personal conversation. There is a level of personal depth and vulnerability I can’t quite take this blog to. Not yet anyway.