The Disaster

So, I’ve sworn more on this blog than probably ever in public in the last few days.  I hope I haven’t offended anyone too much…   I’m sorry!

I’m not sure what my lesson of these last few weeks is yet.  I don’t want to stop trusting people to the point where I can no longer ever fall in love ever again with anyone…   So, my lesson surely isn’t to be more suspicious of people.  I also don’t want to draw terrible conclusions about the people I’ve recently interacted with…  And I mean that sincerely, not as some ironic dig.

It was very disappointing, but at least I found out how bad reality was before I got even more invested in my hopes.  And, I really do know more what I’m looking for in a man.  I want who I thought Handsome was.  He has to exist somewhere…

Also, Mark keeps telling me that almost any man who would be willing to pursue me while I’m still married to him isn’t likely worth it.  Perhaps that’s true and I should just take a year off or so to be lonely but…  ?   Haha…  Well, maybe.  I mean I have thought about getting braces, so this might not be a bad time to do that.  Braces on a grown woman of 32, almost 33, are not remotely alluring, but if it doesn’t matter anyway…

I guess, the other time I fell for someone while being married, a year ago now, it wasn’t a great experience at the end but it was so much more…  lovely in a real way (not just perceived).  And decent.

He was a very different person than Handsome.  And, while I don’t think we were a good match, obviously, he was at least good at adding beauty to my life permanently and not taking advantage of the trust I gave him.  No, it wouldn’t have worked out with that other man, but…  he was a person of very good taste.  He had style.  He had manners…

Handsome was…  stunning…  but he seemed to have such a mean streak.  I tried to be vulnerable and real and it seemed like it meant something to him off and on, but I suspect he had absolutely no real respect for it because he seemed to happily mock me in his next breath…

I wish I still didn’t find him attractive, and I’m sure eventually even if I still think he’s handsome I’ll be over it.  I can’t harbor feelings of lust for a man who treated me like I was just a pretty little idiot.  I know I’m not…   I have an iq test to prove it.  And, furthermore, even if it was true how could I attach myself permanently in any real way to that dynamic?  It’s useless…   Actually, I’m feeling less attraction to him after just writing this paragraph.

And honestly, if he does have a soft side, if he does give a damn about me and did, then I hope he has cried as much as he says he has.  It would make him a much better person I think…  if he did cry – if he was actually capable of sincerely caring…   And not just treating me and what happened like a joke.  I like to think he is capable.

Anyway, of course, the other man I had a romance with wasn’t American.  And, sadly, I think that does account for some of his charm.  I’m sorry to say that…

I’m not proud to be an American right now.  I’m really not

And, for the record, I’m still scared Trump could possibly win the election.  I think people amazingly underestimate how truly messed up things are here.


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