Thankfully, Handsome was honest with me after I published my last post. I respected that and still do…
Sadly, it seems some of my biggest fears about him (which I hadn’t entirely expressed) were true. I knew there was a chance he was involved in a real way romantically with at least one other person. If what we were doing was real then I suspected (for almost as long as I was interacting with him) one other woman (again, at least) of the same sort of thing. But, I had hoped for the best… I even quite genuinely enjoyed her (she also didn’t seem like hypocrite and I still don’t think she is one). She is very witty and clever. But, obviously and again, I really hoped I was either wrong in my observations or that they had parted ways at some point in the past for reasons that had nothing to do with me (and therefore I wasn’t walking in on something still current). And actually, on a related note, I’m wondering if I’m just unaware how common in general what he was doing with me is… I thought it was an unusual thing… but then again, I’m limited to my own experiences. Anyway, however ordinary our interactions actually were doesn’t even matter now, I suppose.
See, I’m a one man sort of woman (and yes I know that sounds odd considering I’m still technically married… but it’s actually true). I’m not judging people who are different than me. Truly. I just can’t be anything but that. I tried to be something different when I first dated Mark (as I’ve discussed) and, for me, it was worse than meaningless because however nihilistic a person tries to be, somewhere inside themselves, they know (if they’re aware enough) that there really is a meaning to almost everything… even if it’s humans that give it all a meaning. Just us. Just humans… Because, after all, we count too.
And anyway, for me, I find wonderful meaning in an intense, sexually mesmerizing, deep and beautiful connection with just one other soul – one man. It’s one of the best parts of being alive. Why the hell would I want to dilute that experience by adding someone else, even in a small way? And again, I’m really not judging people who feel differently about any of this… It just isn’t the same for me (or as good) when you involve other people. And, after Mark I’ve realized it isn’t worth my time.
Actually, I had thought that Handsome might be in a situation at least somewhat similar to my own in some way… I had hoped he might somehow understand me because of a shared experience with love, but I was fully prepared to end romantic interaction with him if I ever discovered him to be a womanizer or, at least, a man who just likes to have a lot of people to have fun with. Again, I’m not judging, just being honest about my intentions.
I actually really tried to express my desires and predilections about romance on this blog… often. I did. I went on and on about how I didn’t want to compete with other women. I talked about how painful it was to date Mark and his dozens of ladies years ago. So, I had some faith that if Handsome was a sincere person (and he often seemed to be) that he would realize that it was pointless to continue flirting with me after reading about how disinterested I would be in a non monogamous situation.
So, to be honest, I find what happened illogical (no offense to anyone). Either he never intended for our flirting to amount to anything and there was some definite end point I was unaware of (also confusing for other reasons). Or, he never intended for it to amount to anything but had started developing real feelings for me and it went beyond what he anticipated at some point… Or he is just foolish in some way or another. And, I really hope the last possibility isn’t the truth. That would be the saddest option in my opinion, because he really did seem like a very brilliant and beautiful person in his own way, and foolishness is, of course, a dangerous threat to real happiness.
And see, just to clarify, a large part of what also irked me so very much about seeing him interact in the same way with another woman was that, that’s all I’ve ever had with him. I’ve never had a chance to do anything but flirt… We’ve never even had a long, lovely conversation, or anything like that… So, just for that reason alone it was particularly deathly to any hopes I had. It made what had happened between us just the same as anything else, or perhaps even less than that actually. And, to be honest, at the very least, it was tasteless to do it in front of me (assuming I wouldn’t notice?).
But whatever! I highly doubt there’s any chance anything could happen now between me and Handsome (and maybe he’s in bed with someone else genuinely screwing like mad right now anyway, for all I know). I mean, just for starters, if he reads this it will likely just make him angry, indignant, insulted and/or embarrassed (not my intention actually) and even if he doesn’t feel any of those emotions or somehow he still “wants me” I’m sincerely unsure what he could even do that would fix things… Even if he showed up at my door tomorrow morning with a bouquet of flowers I don’t think I would feel like engaging him any real way again.
I mean… I’ve been down this road before. Good god, but I have. Mark… Mark… hahahaha… Oh my goodness. Anyway. That was enough experience for a couple of lifetimes.
It’s actually sort of entertaining to me to consider what he could even do now (even though I probably didn’t mean that much to him – it’s purely for kicks)… But, I honestly can’t think of anything… Umm…
I’m not materialistic so buying something is entirely out. Mark has tried that and it’s fun but it doesn’t fix any damn thing. Actually though, ironically, if he made something like cake, or homemade hard candies… or cookies… as weird as it sounds I might actually like that at least. It wouldn’t fix things, but it would be… endearing? But again, I doubt that will happen… haha… (seriously) But truly, even if he made some grand gesture, there’s not much he could do that would fix things. I mean, Mark actually fucked me, married me, has taken care of me when I’m sick, held me, stayed awake all night with me, gave me a son, and I have never gotten over what he did to me (he also never sincerely apologized… but anyway even if he had…)… And certainly, what Handsome did is nothing as serious as what Mark did… At all!! But, it’s the principle of it. It’s the heart of it…
I honestly do hope he’s happy though. Or, I hope he can find real happiness… And I mean that without an ounce of irony.
Someday with some man… I hope.