For some reason I haven’t been able to let go of the situation with Handsome as much as I’ve tried.  I think a part of it is that I’m such a curious person by nature and so much of it is still so puzzling and intriguing to me.

Today though, today was different.  For quite a few hours I was with my mother’s family.  They are such intelligent, kind and thoughtful individuals (and that’s a modest estimation).   I adore them…  And, spending time in their presence today gave me a fresh perspective…

I don’t know for certain who reads this blog, obviously, but Handsome if you’re still reading I’d like to clarify a few things (and frankly for anyone else reading too).   First, and again, I have never been “up to anything” evil or terrible…

Here’s what I suspect happened between us based on clues that have emerged lately: I was so caught in trying to discover the truth about something that I thought might be taking place that I missed simple social norms, and through my absence of attention to the obvious, stumbled into a situation that mirrored the one I thought could exist, but was probably entirely different.  I mean, I’m the sort of person who can get lost in things…  I hear a song and will become so absorbed in it that I miss what’s going on around me.  Or, a better example might be from when I was a little girl and used to ask my grandmother tons of personal questions because she was so interesting that I just wanted to know everything there was to know about her.  But, in my sweet innocence and passionate pursuit of understanding I touched some rather uncomfortable subjects for her and she got quite angry…  If I had taken a moment to be aware of the implications of what I was asking I would have been more careful.  But, I lost track of my common sense, or perhaps more honestly willfully stopped listening to it, just to find out more about her. She was just so intriguing…  Truly.

It’s been so hard to be really articulate.  I can’t say exactly what I mean or am thinking about anything.  I have wanted to protect both your privacy and my own.  So, in my amateurish writing, so much of what I’m trying to say and want to say is skewered into dozens of parts that when shoddily reassembled seem somewhat grotesque.

But, truly (and my god it’s pathetic to feel the need to say this again) I’m not an idiot.  And, I am exactly the person I claim to be…  I’m 32 (despite how youthful I look – yes, I really do just have “good genes” and it’s actually obnoxious to still be carded when I order alcohol).  My name is Karrie.   People who actually know me say that I’m not photogenic.  I’m much better looking in person (not bragging just being real).  I have delicate features?   I don’t know…  But it’s true.  So, yet again, I have not been trying to scam you somehow in that regard…   Or in any regard.

I have felt brutally mocked and made fun of (although less by you and more by other people), but given the situation I think I can understand how that could be some people’s innate response.  It’s likely because this whole thing has seemed utterly ridiculous to you and many other people.  And I’m not sure what I can say about that.  It was an accident?  

It’s a bit like we speak two very different languages but somehow managed to understand each other, maybe.  And I believe a lot has been misunderstood.

See, I had a very different impression than the one I think you had at the outset, and my emotions were affected accordingly.  And that perception lasted a while…  So…  I would argue that a great deal of what I bet has seemed “strange” could be explained that way (or through any of the other means I’ve written about in this post).

But…   at the end of the day, I really am amazed by everything.  I’m still amazed that you bothered to read this blog if you just thought I was an odd nuisance…   I could explain more why that’s so baffling to me, but I can’t.  And I’m perplexed that you thought it wise to let me believe something lovely was happening…  when in fact, it might not have been at all.  I don’t know…

I guess, I’d also like to say that I’m not embarrassed by anything I’ve shared on this blog (and neither is my husband).  Perhaps it’s a part of being in my generation.  If it’s the truth then, in theory, I don’t give a fuck who knows it…    And I try to live my life accordingly.  I try to be empathetic of other people’s truth and I hope for others to offer me the same genuine love.  I realize that’s an ideal though, and not always easily practiced.  I know people don’t necessarily want to know what I share…  But, where do you draw the line?  I try not to be crass and to be as kind as I know to be.   I also sincerely hope that if people don’t want to listen that they’ll stop…  unless they actually need to hear what I’m saying for some reason.   We’re all here to learn from each other.




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