Today I gave up entirely on anything ever happening with Handsome.
I still think he is very handsome, and I suspect parts of who I perceived him to be are very much authentically present. But I want someone who I can actually get to know and build trust with… I found that there were too many confusing pieces and troubling questions that seemed basically impossible to find any genuine answers to.
He didn’t try very hard to keep my interest past that phone call… And that was nice, but… of course, just one phone call was never going to be enough to keep anything going anywhere. I would have needed something more real and I suspect he might not have cared enough to make that happen (if he cared at all, of course).
And, as I’ve said, I’m not sure if anything that happened between us meant something beautiful to him at all. Maybe it did? On the other hand, like I’ve written, he might have just thought it was all a big joke… It’s impossible to really know what he was thinking and feeling about almost anything without him telling me outright and he never did. He may have tried to drop “hints” but… that’s not enough to truly know. I needed to hear it. And actually, his hints in and of themselves were difficult to interpret at times.
I also think he had plenty of female attention already… That’s not a fun place to be in as a woman. It’s gets much too crowded. Quickly. And the other women start trying to find things wrong with you… and if they can’t find something obvious they use their imagination. Not that I blame them. It’s just the nature of how it works. That’s part of the reason I hate it. It’s degrading.
Situations like this one remind me of sharing food with other people. And, I am always the one, no matter how hungry I am, who never takes even a bite… I’m just not that competitive. Competition bores and irritates me. It always has… I was never on sports teams. I was in orchestra and the only reason I cared which chair I had was out of self respect.
No, I don’t want to and will not share a man’s soul.
Actually the way I see it, competition is particularly undesirable in romance. You don’t want a man (or woman) you have to compete for… Not for a real, lasting relationship. I mean, why would I want someone who doesn’t know if they want me more than someone else? Why should I have to convince him I’m worth it? There are tons and tons of attractive people in the world. I don’t want to worry that my man might find someone better for him every time he wakes up in the morning or lose interest in me from one moment to the next. I want him to know he wants me.
So that’s that…
But, as I’ve said a million times already, I really do want to find a man who is the man I thought Handsome was. So, I will now quickly examine who I really believed he was…
I thought he was humble. He seemed like a truly brilliant person – the sort of individual who is not just able to process facts and figures but the overall human experience. And I think if you really understand humans (including yourself) you have to be humble. We are all so gifted… So meaningful. Some people might be powerful and possess great things but I have never believed that they are genuinely different. I mean sure, they may have abilities others do not have, but I guarantee you they lack something too… something important. Everyone does.
I thought he was kind. He seemed very polite to people I watched him interact with. There were a few times he gave the impression of perhaps being a bit arrogant, but those were rare occasions. I believed that he was a person who valued other people… He created that persona. Whether it was an act or just a natural result of his actual feelings, I don’t know.
I thought he was sensitive. Again, I liked the way he treated other people when I saw him. He seemed to appreciate and respect other people’s feelings.
He seemed wise. I thought he seemed to… for lack of a better phrase, “have his act together.” I wondered if there might be painful things in his life that he hid very intentionally (just a weird intuitive sense I got) but I thought he had fought through life very well in many regards. I admired that…
And I liked his personality. I liked how he looked… moved… sounded. Just… all of it. He even seemed a bit nerdy, but in this deeply sexy, elegant and very masculine sort of way.
There also appeared to be this connection… Something extraordinary. And it all fit together so neatly to create an experience that really affected me.
I hope there is a man out there who will be a good match for me, and who has at least the character traits I thought Handsome embodied. And this is just a rough sketch, like the notes I jot down for the novel I’m trying to write… or the fragmented thoughts I write in my “letter diary.” I’m sure out of context most of what I’m saying will be lost. I hope to someday better convey that context…
I don’t want my experiences to just be a waste.