Goodness

Tonight Mark and I went to our Irish pub.  It’s become the place we go to just sit and talk.  He always orders root beer and I usually have a gin drink or a Stella.

I love Mark as a person.  I just love him…  🙂

We just have so much fun sitting around and talking.  Not as lovers (I always feel the need to clarify that) but as…  something.  I can’t find the right words for it.  I almost want to describe it as the sort of bond perhaps found between two soldiers but…

The song West Coast was playing while we sat there chatting…  about our potential divorce, and our lives over the last week or so.   It was kinda funny.

One of the things I’ve recently decided is that I want to finish my degree in history (my original major before political science), and of course try to write in some capacity…  Mark is very supportive of that.  He says that even if we get divorced he feels like he needs to keep the vow he made to me and, in this case, he wants to make sure I can provide for myself…  He sees the promise he made on our wedding day as being something he will always keep in one way or another.  He’s a man of his word.  Isn’t he something?!   I told him I want to honor him in the same way…

Our sort of marital loyalty fits with my family culture very well.  We (my family) are predominantly Norwegian in our ancestry and while we are very much Americans there’s a need to honor our family’s past.  We do so in a multitude of ways, such as participating in parades, festivals, speaking Norwegian, cooking traditional dishes, and keeping in touch with our Norwegian relatives.  And actually, some of those relatives still live in the same areas of Norway my great grandparents came from…

We really are very Scandinavian though (I think)…  For example, while there are many members of my family (on both sides) who are unusually accomplished people, it’s taboo to discuss such things with any degree of outright pride or almost at all.  Some of my ancestors (great grand uncles and aunts) were even awarded medals by kings for their various achievements…   But we never ever discuss such things without whispering.  I’m actually bothered and find it tacky to even mention what I’ve said here, but I feel I need to to backup the overall point of this post.  That’s just how ingrained this is in my mind…   You never, ever, ever brag (the somewhat boldly positive things I’ve recently written about myself have felt both empowering and very scary to write).

If you do discuss someone’s status or accomplishments (or your own, heaven forbid), especially if they’re in your immediate family, you’re supposed to act like it means absolutely nothing, even though the subtext, of course, is that you are proud of their hard work, skill and effort.   But it’s basically a genuine sin to see yourself as “above” anybody for almost any reason, and if someone thinks they’re better than you it’s considered repugnant, and only a bit forgivable if they earned their status through a ton of effort or unusual brilliance.  Oddly, wealth in general is quietly respected in a way though…  But again, only with a lot of discretion.  And only in a very certain kind of way.

The most important thing to be in my family is tough (in a Nordic way).  Well, along with being kind perhaps.  But really, kindness would probably be seen as a form of strength…

Anyway.

Given the culture of my extended family and the fact that my parents were sincere 60’s hippies and eventually “ex” hippies (my father was a Vietnam protester in the 60’s, considered running to Canada to avoid the draft, and my mother worked as a cook at a hippie health food clinic in Pennsylvania  in the 70’s, etc, etc)…   I have an extraordinarily egalitarian view of the world.   I was discussing this with Mark tonight actually…

I don’t put a lot of credence in social status (as I’ve written).   Aside from the view I was encouraged to take from the way I was raised, I don’t think, based on my own observations, that it’s a good way to honestly “rank” people.  Like I’ve said before, I see too many loopholes and too much chaos in life for status to automatically signify much…  And beyond that, each culture in the world has its own unique qualifications to meet to acquire prestige and who am I to say that my culture’s method is inherently the ultimate in “correctness.”  (And I’m not just saying all of this for some pretentious reason)

So…  the way I evaluate people is based on how much genuine good taste they exhibit.   And to me “good taste” is a complex thing…  It’s at least partially demonstrated by an ability to see beauty (not just physical beauty) and respect it and about having empathy…  And since being able to appreciate beauty and have empathy for other humans are basic human traits that are not limited to any one particular culture I think they’re somehwhat decent indicators of what sort of person you’re really dealing with.

I really did originally think that Handsome was a man of great taste…  When I said that he lacked taste several posts back that was not a very nice thing for me to say, and I feel bad about that now actually.   To me, that’s one of the worst things you can say about someone, and I said it based on a feeling of needing to defend myself and because it frankly seemed at least partially true at the time.  But,  I’ve wondered for a while if part of the reason he may have treated me like one big joke (if he did) was because he thought I was beneath him based his method of evaluating people.  I think he might have thought that because I haven’t accomplished enough, or wasn’t born to a family with enough obvious or immense wealth, that it was an insult to him that I even thought any sort of connection was genuinely possible between us…  Or maybe my writing is just that bad?   Haha…  I don’t know.  These are just guesses.  *shrugs*  And, although I would find that offensive (among other things) I can see where he could feel that way given how a decent number of people see the world, and…  as I wrote yesterday, I knew what I was doing might amount to nothing.  But that was also part of the allure.

At the start, when it seemed he was flirting with me, (it seems very possible now that he was actually flirting with someone else and I misunderstood, and then he noticed me when I started paying  too much attention to him for him not to notice) I was amazed and intrigued by his seeming attention.  And that amazement was at least a fair amount because I wouldn’t have expected someone like him to even notice I existed, much less initiate flirtation – people of his particular sort can too often (but definitely not always or even mostly maybe?) seem to see themselves as almost divinely set part from what I’ve observed.   I thought that if he could see something beautiful in me, especially given the likelihood that he wouldn’t in our culture, and actually flirt with me in a lovely way, then I should investigate it, as I would really with any man who I fancied who seemed to also fancy me.  But I was never attracted to his success other than by how he appeared to be handling it.  But…  anyway…

Again, I see the world in a very different way than a lot of people do, I think.  Each year (and day lately) that goes by I realize that more and more.  And that’s not a judgement against anyone or a compliment to myself, just an observation…

But anyway, I think I need to clarify something one last time.  Handsome, because I am feeling uneasy at this point (and that’s an understatement) and had entirely given up, in theory…  on the off chance that you still read this, if (big if) you want to ever talk with me on the phone for some non malicious reason you’ll have to call me first I’m afraid (and then I’ll know to call you if I can’t answer).   That goes for any other form of interaction too – you first.   And I’ve already sort of been doing this actually…    Otherwise I plan to just treat you with the same respect and distance I would have for the many unknown drivers I pass on the road…  We’ll just be two people who happen to momentarily have crossed paths…  And, again, I truly do wish you well.  Even more than that…

…I think Seattle is growing on me.  I would never have expected that.   I still miss St. Paul and Minnesota.  But, this area is starting to affect me.   It’s getting to me.  I even think late summer is my favorite time of the year here perhaps…   Something about the chill in the air and the leftover beauty of summer is really unique in this state.

Until tomorrow…  and a new review.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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