Enough Already

I truly have no idea what sort of person Handsome is at this point.  Or what he wanted/wants from me.  I’m really baffled…

One minute I have the impression that he seems to be trying to say that he might have sincerely felt something but then, after that, I am a just a total joke, but then…  Maybe not?   Then after that I might just have been a potential notch on his belt and nothing more?  But then??

And all this has happened while nothing that much has actually happened…   He’s never once actually touched me.

I was trying to be a little quiet about him because it gave me space.  But I had to post this.

Whatever he wanted I do hope he’s ok.  And I’m not sure what to say next because…  I’m not sure which universe my words will arrive in.   Is it one where a sinister and very immature jerk has been manipulating me for some sad reason or one where there’s been something genuinely lovely but it’s been all mixed up here and there.  I just can’t say for certain, and unless he decides to just tell me in some real way I’ll likely never know.   Although, I guess, if he’s just been mean then it’s not worth hearing anymore more from him anyway…

At any rate, I hope he knows that all anger and criticism I’ve showed him has not been intended to be a judgement against him.  If he’s not a monster of some sort I hope he realizes that…  no matter how much someone might potentially mean to you some things do get tiring after awhile, especially when they were serious annoyances at the start.  And even more so when so much is so confused and so damn complicated.

I guess, to summarize, if he’s not just a malicious person he knows my number…  As always.   And, in that world, he may even understand me to some meaningful degree.  On the other hand, if he is just an unrepentant and sincere jerk, well, that’s that.  However, regardless of what’s true or not, I am honestly repulsed by many things.  I say that, again, without judgement but I don’t apologize for saying it either.  …Handsome may even partially agree with me.  But, I don’t know…  I don’t know…  

At some point, I will get totally tired of all of it though.  Empathetic or not, joke or serious, getting tossed around is truly sickening after a while even if you love the ocean and all its waves.




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