To Death

It’s funny.  There’s all these wise sayings out there about how when you get older you’ll allow less crap to just continue.  I have found that to be true, but I’m not sure if it’s because of growing older or if I’ve just heard the idea so many times that I’m starting to implement it.

Today it appeared like Handsome might have been trying to encourage me to text him.  Yet, perhaps that was just wishful thinking on my part…   I did text the number it seemed that he had called me from a while ago (assuming that was actually him who called me) but he hasn’t responded.

Assuming he might read this, I would like to tell him that I’m done flirting with him in the same place where I’ve been doing so for a while now.   I feel like I can’t be real or vulnerable with him there to any degree that allows for things to go further (if they even can to begin with).  For me flirting beyond the first sparks can’t be a pastime.  I have to be able to fully give myself over to it sooner or later or it feels dull to me or at least I become inhibited and lost…  I’m sure for some people such activities or anything similar can be just for fun, but I’m just not made that way…  I suppose there could be benefits to being less innately intense than I am, but…  that doesn’t make me a different person.

Whether he was trying to just make a joke out of me, was developing real feelings for me, or something in between, I am done with attempting to decipher the confusion. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still find him incredibly attractive and my feelings haven’t changed, but I refuse to keep sorting through all of the shit to discover the tiny grains of meaning that may or may not even be from legitimate affection.

When I said I found some things repulsive the other day what I meant was that…   It had little to do with the other women.  At least not really (although heaven knows I did not enjoy that)…  It was just that it had become crass and harassing with little certain reward.  He wasn’t harassing me.  No…   Not at all.  I felt that he was trying to even be somewhat warm and a bit endearing on occasion (although maybe that perception was just wishful thinking on my part too).   It was the tone of the whole situation that was deeply unpleasant and hostile.  At times he did seem to take my words the wrong way and miss their intent (as did others), but perhaps that’s my fault as a communicator.  Anyway, none of this is meant to be a negative reflection on any one particular person in general at all – just the circumstances.

So, if he felt some connection…  If things were sincere on his part…  he’ll have to find me now.  He’ll have to figure me out.  He’ll have to untangle things to “get me.”   I wonder if he wants to…   Maybe not?

It’s possible I never meant that much to him.  Maybe not.  And that’s ok if that was the case because we all like what we like and want what we want.   But, for the last time, I wasn’t a joke…  Nobody’s authentic attempt at closeness should be treated like a joke.

I’ll be ok though, whether he cares or not.  I always am, whether that’s a good thing entirely or not.  I suppose for my son’s sake it is…  And no, that isn’t written to sound scary, I’m just being honest.  Sometimes it gets frustrating to always pick up and move on…  and then do it again, and again and again and never seem to find what you’re really looking for in almost any way.

Now, for those of you who read this and are Christians, yes, I do believe in God still.  Of course.  But God can’t totally keep us from experiencing grief.  He doesn’t sugar coat life.



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