More Sadness

I feel better today, oddly.  I am a little sad, but that’s largely because I’m realizing just how really rare the kind of man I’m looking for actually is.

Most straight or bi men (men who date women) I’ve met are either: total actual assholes (which contrary to popular belief is not attractive beyond first glance if at all), sorta-jerks who aren’t completely terrible but who you also don’t really want to be romantically involved with for lots of common sense reasons, the variety who lack at least some imagination and can really appear like genuine losers on occasion but are not, men who seem lovely and caring when you meet them but are actually fairly emotionally caustic after a while, men who are lovely in some real way but are also truly taken or if not with someone then are mostly uninterested, and those who are quite frankly too old to date (beyond ten to fifteen years is too many in my opinion).  And that’s most men I’ve met…   Sounds cliché?  Probably.   But it’s the truth of my experience…

The precious few who haven’t been in one of the categories above I always have very unfortunately let slip through my fingers…  There was a guy I met on a train, a friend of Mark’s…  and a young man who approached me at a concert…  just to name a few of the few.  But I was always so stupidly distracted by some other man when they showed up (or in the case of the man on the train he just scared me off) that I missed my chance at happiness.

Some of the situations really make me mad when I consider them…  Once when Mark and I were at an Arcade Fire concert I felt so hurt by what Mark was doing and saying that I walked out of the concert and just stood outside the doors in misery.  I had given so much effort to look pretty that night but it was just a complete waste, in part because Mark made me walk outside in heavy rain without an umbrella for a long distance.  And then, as I stood there waiting silently, a man came up to me with this sweet silliness and lots of confidence and said, “Hey hun.  Are you ready to go home now?”  tilting his head to the side for added emphasis.  We giggled together after he said it and then we just stood there…  and he looked at me with this gentle smile waiting for a response.  I don’t remember entirely what happened next but I told him I couldn’t exchange numbers (I was on a date with someone else) and he came up with this rather magical way we could find each other before having to leave with his friends.  It involved agreeing to meet somewhere…  and he was so excited as he invented it.   I worry passionately that I might have even partially agreed to it…  He seemed so genuinely excited (and yes I can tell if people are being serious in person) and he kept saying we should really try to find each other…    And, at any rate, I remember telling Mark about it all later, expecting him to be jealous, upset or at least to reward my loyalty but he didn’t seem to care that much.  And yet, I still went home with Mark…  I still married Mark.

What the fuck?!

…I mean, I’m sitting here crying as I think about that guy…  Mark has never made me cry in this way once.  Again, I admire and respect my husband as a person but if he ever wants me as a permanent partner he’ll have to learn how to make me cry in this wonderful way…

And then there was one of his friends…  That guy always seemed so attentive and genuinely kind when Mark wasn’t.  Perhaps he was just a nice person and was embarrassed by Mark but I often wondered if he secretly liked me…   I wish I’d found out.  I did find him quite good-looking…  But I think he found someone.  I hope they’re happy.

No, I partially deserve this mess I think.  Partially

And just for those interested: if Handsome was just a weird clown then God bless him, or if he was at all sincere then…  I guess what happens next is up to him (as I’ve said before).  But this is the last time I’ll discuss him for a long while if I don’t hear from him.  There’s no good reason to…  I have a lot other things to discuss.

More later…





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