A Walk In The Park

I’ve decided to allow myself to write about Handsome today.  I’m realizing that I need to trust myself more and I don’t think I’m finished talking about him just yet…  Sorry if it annoys anyone.

And as a side-note, I feel I should also say that I’m quite sure that nothing I write will be understood by everybody I’d like it to be understood by, or sadly maybe even that many people at all…   I do need to work on improving my writing and I’m fully aware of that…  But I utterly refuse to stop trying to be open, honest and authentic.  Disciplining myself to sort through criticism to find the pieces that are useful versus the ones just stemming from misunderstanding is what I know I need to do.

I wrote a blog back in college and into the first year or so after I had to leave…  It was entitled, A Walk In The Park.  I’m sharing this today because I just…  I don’t care anymore.  The more I share about who I am on this blog, my blog, where I allow myself to say what I want, the easier it is and the more I want to do it…

I’ve been trying to figure out what Handsome was doing or is doing, whether that be something lovely and sincere or just a bunch of forgettable rubbish. But, the more I analyze it all over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it all I’ve come to one conclusion: given there was something beautiful, if he never ever contacts me in person in some way at this point (and so far he hasn’t), then there must have been someone or something that meant more to him than I ever could (and did)…  And if that’s the case then I think that’s wonderful…

I’m not trying to “win” him.  I never was.  I don’t believe in catching people…  I’ve said that before and I really do think it’s true.  People have to make up their own minds about you, and if they choose someone else or something else then it was never going to be great to start with…   In a way it’s not really “personal” per se…  You know?  This was something I learned by dating and marrying Mark.  I used long for him to pick me and there were so many times when I should have just walked away and stopped caring about him, because when he did finally kind of choose me, it wasn’t worth it.  I mean aside from having my son, it wasn’t worth it…  Well, except I did learn a lot, but…  I think overall, aside from my son, it was something I wish I had avoided.  Maybe I’m placing too much value on happiness over a good lesson here though.  I don’t know…

But anyway…  I’m quite sure Mark and I are getting divorced.  Last night we drove around trying to put our son to sleep and it hit me what my life might be like when I leave him.  It is disconcerting, but I can’t go on the way I was.  I was just letting my body and get older day by day, waiting for death.  Seriously.  I know that sounds terrible and dramatic, but it’s true.  I had given up on ever being genuinely happy ever again.  Have I written this before?  Maybe I have…  Sorry, if that’s true.  I think I was just…  floating…  like I’ve written.  I didn’t want to ruin my son’s life.  I didn’t want to bother upsetting people…  And that’s a sin.  Isn’t it?  Suicide is a sin, even if you’re still technically living?  And if pursuing someone when you’re still technically married is a sin then it all makes sense to me…  Sin begets sin.

My blog that I linked to is filled with my thoughts on Mark…  Gosh, I loved him.  He’s lovable.  Too bad I didn’t listen to the knowledge inside myself that I think I already knew back then…  but I didn’t want to: that he was never going to love me the way I needed or wanted and may not have loved me much at all.  It was I who was in deeply love…  Me.  Just me…  But I kept hoping and trying to be optimistic about every damn little thing – believing him when he said he loved me instead of letting his actions really inform me.   I should have been entirely letting go…

I’ll never do that again




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