Love Again

As of this night I’ve decided to completely avoid the man I once called Handsome for a while.  And, by the way, I think I’ll now start calling him Mr. Blue…   It’s just that the feelings I still have don’t seem to be bearable when I see him given how little I still understand about it all.  I’ve tried to let them go, but so far it hasn’t been successful.  I think outside of really knowing he was just a jerk and that he never had any breathtaking intentions, there’s no way I’ll be able to just “get over it” if I keep letting myself see him.  I’ve tried ignoring him, but it’s too difficult.  So, I’m just going to have to find a way to totally avoid seeing his face, hearing his voice…  anything.

I do indeed feel very blue about Mr. Blue.  Of course, honestly, I’ll still hold out some benign and faint hope that he might try to contact me someday…  But…  I can’t keep doing what I’m doing.  It’s too painful to be helpful to me in any way anymore.

I watched the film Revolutionary Road for the first time last night (I can’t believe it’s taken me so long) after watching the Presidential Debate.  It was enlightening.  I saw so much of my own life and self in the Wheelers, (and to a lesser degree in John Givings) and the parts of me that are nothing like them were also illuminated…

I actually wish I was more like John Givings…   He is the only hopeful character in the entire film, I think.   Listening to his character is like hearing the voice of God…  Well, a voice that is perhaps not as kind as God, but still…  His character saw into people’s hearts and knew what it was all about to such a wild degree that he couldn’t even stand it himself.  Maybe…  Or maybe not?  Hmm…  I’d love to hear what he would have said about himself beyond his talk of his “treatments” but we aren’t given that chance, sadly.  At least, I don’t recall it.

Honestly, I’d love to find a man a bit like John Giving, but one who is more healthy and much kinder…  (If indeed John Givings ever wasn’t “sane” to begin with.)   Of course, the problem would be whether or not he was looking for someone like me…  🙂

But anyway, April and Frank were so beautiful…  Frank may have been a coward of sorts, but I don’t think he meant to be.  I think he really just wanted to be truly loved and to love someone and most of his cowardice stemmed from the insecurity of that huge void in his life.  At least that’s my read on him.  He also seemed to lack a lot of self awareness.  April, on the other hand, was so unfailingly brave and she tried earnestly to be truthful.  And actually, I think she could have escaped her prison if she had had someone help her see a way out other than suicide…    Too bad John didn’t have enough compassion (or mental stability) to offer those painful, but useful, words.

I saw myself in Frank’s desire to love his wife, have her love him in return, receive warmth and empathy and form a meaningful bond with her.  And I identified with April’s loneliness and yearning…   She had people’s respect at times, but she was really on her own to a large degree.  Her ideas and plans were outside of the norm and people never like that, at first.

Matter of fact, I read a few articles written on her character that suggested that she was indeed childish to want to go to France, or at least unsophisticated – that she didn’t understand how banal Paris would actually be.  Of course, you can’t really leave yourself even when you travel or move and all that… blah blah (insert other cliches)…  but as someone who has ardently wanted to be an ex-pat myself, I think Paris really would have been good for her.  I’m sorry, but Paris is not the same as a suburb in America.  That’s laughable at best.  Of course, there’s still pain in Paris and she might have wanted to return to the US at some point, but…  Europe really is different.  That’s not just a myth and wasn’t then either.  I bet she would have been happier over there, although, married to Frank I doubt she was ever going to get to Paris.  She was right, Frank wanted the life they had…  Again, I think the only thing he didn’t have that he needed was her love and understanding.  At least, that’s my view of the film.  Really, I think they were just terrible for each other…

My shallow analysis of Revolutionary Road, could just be based on projections from my own marriage though.  Speaking of which, throughout the entire film I kept wanting to tell April to open her eyes, step back, and try to see Frank separate from of her own plans and desires.  I think she missed so much about him (and vice versa of course).  So, I have been making an effort to stop and observe Mark more thoughtfully tonight.  It’s an excruciating thing to do in a marriage that’s suffering.  It’s easier to just run away somehow and never know what actually was to that degree.  I can’t say that I’ve discovered anything other than what I already knew, but at least I know


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