Lost

I spent a lot of Wednesday and Thursday writing.  I have two novels that I’m working on (as I’ve mentioned many times) and the second one seems more promising right now so that’s the one I’ve been writing for.  It’s less autobiographical than the other one is, but it means more to me right now.  And the first one is too painful to work on at the moment.

The part I worked on today was a love scene…  I’m torn about how to write about sex.  I want to be as authentic as I can be, but I worry about what some people will think when they read it if I’m really “sincere.”  I bet this is a cliche problem and I suppose I need to do some research on the topic…    But I do also have to say that as much as there’s a lot of sex scenes in films and television (and porn sites of course), and it’s no trouble to find explicit material in writing it’s not easy to find scenes that are really “true to life” in my opinion.  It’s been so common for people to complain about how saturated we are with sexuality in our culture for decades, but there still is a strange void…  I know what I just wrote is also very trite probably, but it’s on my mind right now because I’m trying to write something genuine and it’s difficult not to fall into the trap of writing sex cliches, especially given how ubiquitous they are.   It reminds me of the advice an art teacher once gave me about drawing.  She said, “draw what you see and not what you think you see.”  So, for example, when you sketch a tree it’s important not to draw some preconceived image of a tree that you have in your head, because if you do it will often look fake.   You have to draw what’s there…

Anyway, all that writing about romance and sexuality has me analyzing…  romance and sexuality much more consciously than usual.   Each day that goes by it keeps looking more definite that Mark and I will eventually divorce, and at least to a large degree because I’m recognizing how much value I place on finding deep, mutual romantic love (and it seems very unlikely Mark and I will ever have that).  So, given my writing and my growing understanding of my marriage, today I’ve been contemplating how I might approach dating again…   And just to be clear, I don’t “go out” anywhere and I’m not on any dating cites, etc. right now…  Whatever happened with Mr. Blue was not from visiting some place one stereotypically goes to “find someone.”

There are times though, I almost wish I could start intentionally trying to find men to possibly date before my divorce is settled, but it doesn’t seem entirely right…  even if I’m absolutely positive I’ll be divorced.   Maybe I’m wrong…  I don’t know.   But, I suppose there’s a chance I might find myself in a forced respite from any romance for a while…

Really, I have no idea what I should do with Mr. Blue.  I keep trying to distance myself but it’s…  not that simple.  I don’t want to be disingenuous or confuse people so it irritates me that my last few posts seem to have offered plans about Mr. Blue that have crumbled to an extent.   When I say something I want it to be the truth…  But, I’m struggling because as much as I’m exhausted in one way with how futile, pointless, frustrating and possibly not even at all authentic in a positive way things could be…  I can’t emotionally find my way out just yet.   It reminds me of being lost in an unfamiliar city…  I have a good sense of direction and I can usually guide myself to where I need to be eventually, but while I’m still walking down one totally unknown street after another it’s daunting.  As a side note, the only complicated city I haven’t been intimidated by the first time I visited was London…

Speaking of which, if Mark and I do plan to go to England for a while, I wonder how that will work…   I have found men from the British Isles extremely attractive since I can remember finding men attractive.   I can’t imagine being on the brink of divorce and being in London.  When we were there last time I was almost asked out on a date and that was when I was still in love with Mark, devoted to our marriage and being as careful as I could be not to do anything wrong.   It almost makes me want to just not go there to avoid having to figure it out, but traveling together would be so much easier than going alone for both of us, and I need a clearer view on my beliefs anyway…  I wonder if a divorced pair could travel there and live together for six months without it being too odd.  Hmm…

Well, anyway, I need sleep…  More tomorrow.

 

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