Gin and Tonic

Tonight Mark and I went out to our pub and our regular waiter served us.  I adore that man.  He’s like a frustrated Shakespearean actor.   Matter of fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he really is an actual actor working as a waiter.  He has such good unusually good manners and composure.  He’s a very smart man.  I’m telling you…

I had four drinks instead of my usual one or two tonight.  I was just in the mood…  We were talking about our upcoming likely divorce and I just felt like drinking.  When I drink it numbs the parts of my brain that keep me from being honest and I love being honest.  My God above I love saying what I think is true.  I just wish there was a way through meditation or otherwise where I could find myself so able to be beautifully authentic.  But if there isn’t, I don’t want to be an alcoholic because I know better.  I really do….  I just wish I could be this truthful and not care all the time.  And by not caring I don’t mean not caring about people’s feelings or the repercussions of my actions.   I just mean being able to feel quiet enough on the inside to be really brave… and be real.  Maybe someday I’ll figure that out.  I hope.

I know one thing I need to work on is my ego.  And not because I’m prideful but because I want too much in the wrong way.  I need to be courageous and be myself and risk never being loved…   I change myself to be more “lovable” I think.  I do…  And I need to stop.  Mark pointed that out tonight…

I told him that I wished he had a more domineering older brother because he’s not enough of a “leader” for me to be happy with him (and never has been).   I was being brutally honest…  I  need a man who will at least try to “boss me around” in some positive (not just critical, controlling and nagging) and effective way…   Mark is a very real man and very strong person but he’s not a “leader” per se.  Although, I think he would make a genuinely good leader if he was given the responsibility…

I hate how much of a leader I am in our relationship.  Well, I don’t hate it… but it doesn’t make me want him as a husband.  And that’s a big part of the problem.   I need someone who is ten steps ahead of me (and not in some useless  selfish way), but I’ve only ever found someone who I have to lead in one way or another.  And as much as I can cherish those men, I’ll never honestly be happy with them.   But it’s terrifying to say that…  It really is.  It feels like committing to being a fucking sad nun for the rest of a sexless, boring life.

I want a man who can conquer me.  I do.  …As stupid and backward as that might be it’s true.  I’m sorry.  I apologize.  But I want someone who can own me in a very lovely, wonderful way…   Not destroy me or belittle me either…  because ironically to destroy, or demean a woman means you were weak and pathetic.  To “conquer” a woman, however, means you were a stud of a very particular sort.  It means you were worthy and there’s a big, fucking big, difference.  Maybe that sounds sexist, but I’m being honest…  I’m drunk.  I’m sorry (but not really).

And I have no, no clue what the hell Mr. Blue really wants from me (if anything)…    I know exactly what I want from him though.  I do…  And, therein lies the issue.  I’m always in this situation.  I’m always a person who knows what they want and am ready, excited and shameless enough to express it.

The thing is, nothing much scares me.  Not even death.  The only thing that really worries me is my son…  I want so much for him.


And that’s not a vulnerable invitation to some weirdo trying to hurt my son…  Believe me.  You hurt my son and you’ll wish you hadn’t.

I just wish…  I just wish there were more men who were a good match for me…  romping around somewhere.  Or at least one of them…   But what single, straight woman who wants men doesn’t wish that?

And I’m picky.  I like sex.  Who doesn’t?!  Seriously...   (well maybe some people and I  respect them for their perspective)  But I’m picky and I have principled scruples.  I always have…

I just wish…  I just wish so many lovely things were true or could be.

At any rate, I hope you have a good rest of your weekend.  I hope it’s safe.  I hope it’s congenial.  And I hope you find a moment of real happiness if that’s possible for you..



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