So… I’ve been trying really hard to give Mr. Blue the benefit of the doubt in so many ways lately. But it seems he can’t be trusted to be consistently kind? One moment it’s like he understands me very deeply and the next he almost appears ready to throw me over a hypothetical cliff… His insults hurt. When I said I wanted to be “owned” the other day by a man I didn’t mean that word in the slang form… I meant I wanted to truly belong to a man someday. To be his… And furthermore the insults hurt in large part because they make me question if he does actually “get me” much at all…
My ideal is to find a man who can help me aspire to be a better version of myself. I don’t need someone who puts me in vulnerable emotional positions (with other women especially) before I’ve even had a date with him. Places where I’m left to mostly (at times it really seems he’s been kind) painfully and irritatingly fend for myself using this silly blog. And yes, I just called my own blog silly. I’ve said it before but I mean it: I’m not that good of a writer (hopefully yet).
My tone is shrill at times… It’s uneven. I often feel that I don’t get my real idea across. Should I find more ways to criticize myself because I’m better at it than anyone? And at any rate, my point is that I’m not going to be able (hopefully yet) to represent who I really am through just my words. (God I hope that changes… I want to develop more control over my tone among many things in my writing.)
Anyway… I’m afraid to say more about Mr. Blue ever again because it seems my words will be misinterpreted by someone out to hurt me for their own reasons… Oh well. Mr. Blue is a naturally handsome man with a lot of charm, but I need someone who looks at my eyes and sees a lot of beauty and not a way to hurt me. I need a man who can appreciate the woman I am, and am not.
Sigh. It makes me wonder if I really am just a joke to him after all… Too bad.