As I end a melancholy day, I am struck by one very strong realization. Almost as much as I want to love and be loved (familial, eros, agape, etc.) I am also someone who longs for freedom. I don’t like to be constrained. I loathe it passionately... But sometimes I think that desire can be my undoing.
Often I know the rules… but I rebel against something. Whether it’s a part of the rule, or a rule in its entirety I find myself wanting to break free. I want so desperately to go down that long dark hall, open the door and peak inside even though what’s inside is suspect.
In my writing it weakens me. In my life overall it trips me up too…
I often feel just so frustrated and suffocated by rules though. That’s not to say that I don’t respect the idea or heart behind many rules or authority in general. I just hate having to lie about what I want and I find life so much more interesting when you let yourself wonder.
What I need to learn how to do somehow is to find a balance between common sense restraint and beautiful and at times bewitching freedom. For example, lately, I’ve made a total fool of myself for a certain Mr. Blue. Now, I don’t mean a fool by sharing too much, or any of that because that’s simply not the case, thankfully. I’ve just spent much too much time and energy on it all. I’ve neglected so many other things… It was energy spent with the purpose of finding out what it was that was happening because that meant a lot to me, but it didn’t even work. And now I can’t get that time back.
It all makes me want to cry. Every bit. But I’m sure I won’t… sadly. I deserve to cry after the shit I’ve had flung at me by people who seem to think very highly of their own opinions and place in the world.
People ask themselves how we can elect a man like Donald Trump to the presidency and I think at least a part of the answer is how negative and awful we all are at this moment in society. I find it funny how I bet some people easily and self-righteously label my possible supernatural experiences (that I recently shared) as insane but then jump to conclusions themselves that could be argued to be equally preposterous and marks of genuine mental illness. And, for the last time, while I do have depression that has been diagnosed by an actual mental health professional (several over the years to be more accurate), nobody with expertise has ever even suggested I have a disease where one would see hallucinations or etc. As Mark put it tonight in a conversation about my experience, if you truly open yourself up there will always be something you believe or have experienced that will be labeled “crazy” by somebody somewhere. And a lot of people are perhaps too self centered or insecure to honestly see beyond their own limitations, acknowledge they have them or at least be kind about their understanding. And p.s. it really shouldn’t be an obvious insult to be compared to someone who really is mentally unhealthy…
But, again, oh well. I guess I just had to go with my curiosity and see what was there with Mr. Blue… I am glad though to be done with it in so far as what I’ve already experienced. I doubt he’ll ever contact me (because he hasn’t so far)… So it’s probably just entirely over…
Next time I invest my time romantically I will not make the same mistakes. That is for certain.
And for all the haters (not people who are just curious or more positive) connected to Mr. Blue who might be reading this blog please have the decency to now leave me alone. I didn’t ask for your attention and if it seems I did, I apologize for my lack of clarity. Please go away now. Thank you.