Life

Lately I’ve spent a lot of time writing and thinking about Mr. Blue, as well as occasionally engaging with him.  A while ago it had seemed he was almost certainly a cruel and bizarre person…  but then I had my doubts and thought it best to reconsider that impression.

Right now I have no definitive impression of Mr. Blue…  But now it seems worse than pointless to continue engaging with him as I have been.  He generally gave the idea that our contact remain online and…  that always concerned me.  But I figured if it was because he never wanted to have it be more than that that I’d just let it go at some point eventually.  No problem…  But it doesn’t seem possible to even figure that much out anymore because now I can’t tell what any of his intentions were – negative or positive.   The online communication we had was fraught with the possibility for potentially painful misunderstanding.

If he did care about me in a romantic way or does and wants to express that, I suppose he’ll have to find some way to show it now that requires more from him…   And I could easily imagine never knowing for sure.

It would sadden me profoundly if he did have any meaningful romantic feelings at this point because there must have been some reason he couldn’t more clearly express himself.  But I really did try…   And I tried to pick up on his every hint just in case he was trying too.   But there’s a point you cannot go beyond without more certainty that someone really does wish you well.

In the “best” case scenario, it would have been nice if he had been more aware of how sensitive I am.  I’m not sure how a person would miss that about me entirely but it seems he could have…  When I have genuine feelings for a person I try very hard…  and make myself vulnerable.  I don’t think there’s any other useful way for me to be in such a situation.  But because of that, every jab a man takes reaches my heart and deeply affects me…

I never meant to hurt him either though and still don’t…  I suspect I’ll not try any variety of romantic anything online again.  It’s too difficult to know what the hell someone really means to be saying.    And the more meaningful it all becomes and the more communication there is the more terrible and likely the miscommunications become.

Either way, I’ll be moving along now.  Oh well…

 

 

 

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