Thursday…

It was a fairly pleasant day…  Having let go of the situation with Mr. Blue I had a lot more energy to spend.

That situation was really not working for me…  At all.  I kept thinking it could be worth it, but I’m now coming to the conclusion that my reaction to the whole situation was misaligned after a certain point.

I originally thought that what was happening was unique to us and that we had something beautiful in common because of it…   I wish I could explain more about the exact logic I had in that regard but I can’t…  It’s too private.  But, at any rate, if that had been accurate to any valuable degree then there were reactions down the road that probably should have been different.  So regardless of what his intentions were (some variety of friendship, flirtation, to humiliate me for an ego boast…  or actual romance) if his actions didn’t fit into the positive and lovely narrative I thought could be possible then I should have just walked away (what I’m doing now).  If he was interested in some genuine romance then I should have realized that he would find a way to express that…

But this concept is really difficult for me to accept (I’ve written about it before).  I am a very empathetic person.  I feel bad for people who pursue other people they like and then fail in any way…  And not out of pity, but because so much can go wrong in that process.

Yet, again, it doesn’t seem to ever work to be “helpful” because not only can you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is wrong for you, but you could also inadvertently assist someone who may have mean or totally selfish intentions…   I have to learn to treat any potential suitors like I want to treat them and not be overly careful to be kind.

So this is my lesson from Mr. Blue.  It’s not that I should be heartless of course, but I must learn to be more persistently myself.  Given I know what I want after having spent decades pondering it, I think it’s time to trust what that means.

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