Honestly…

Tonight was miserable…  yet really not at the same time.   It’s raining a lot right now in Seattle and this weekend there’s supposed to be a rather large storm.  For some reason I’m excited about it…

Tonight I went out with Mark to a coffee shop nearby and we sat and chatted for a while.  It’s always nice to be around Mark and spend time with him, but I realized just how very much we really are friends…   You know how sometimes you recognize something about a matter of importance on a certain level but then when you finally grasp it entirely it changes everything?  Tonight the full reality of our relationship hit me and it was a little brutal.  We’re friends…  Profoundly close friends.

And I’m angry at Mr. Blue.  I’ve been observing him lately just to try to figure out what the hell happened, but it’s done nothing but mostly tick me off.   He seems to take almost everything I say the wrong way at this point (and perhaps always did)…    It appears he expects me to be some sort of flawless, all-knowing being with no vulnerabilities.  I’m not supposed to have been open on this blog (my own fucking blog), and god forbid I’ve misunderstood anything ever or even looked at him and found him attractive in the first place.   I’m supposed to have just worshiped him from a distance?   I should have stood in awe to such a degree that even a vague “glance” from him would sustain me for eternity and thrill me to some unbearable degree of ecstasy?   And heaven forbid I consider myself equally valuable as a human being to him or those he deems passable.

Honestly, I question why he ever paid any attention to me in the first place.  Even as a object of scorn I seem to fail…  and not be quite “weird” enough.  And he seems more intent on making me out to be less intelligent and attractive than anyone I’ve ever met (including my own father).  I’m not even an arrogant person who “needs to be taken down a peg.”  If he reads me that way, I’d suggest it’s probably projection.

Yeah…   Dude.  If you’re Mr. Blue and you find it so fucking annoying to “deal with me” just stop paying attention to me all together.  It’s not that complicated.  And I’ll stop paying attention to you too.  OK?

No, I thought you were special Mr. Blue, as cliche as that is.  Forgive me for I have sinned?

And if it seems like I’ve gone back and forth a lot about my impressions and feelings on this blog, it’s because I have.  But given the confusing and difficult nature of the situation I think it’s incredibly unkind and stupid to judge me for being in an emotional tailspin.  I really do

I’ve given him so much room to be kind and I’ve tried to take him seriously.  If I shouldn’t have I apologize?  I’m a nice person.   I’m sorry?  And dammit, if he ever did want to have a real conversation and explain whatever I’ve misunderstood he could have called me and still could…

Duh.

Yeah, no, I think he enjoys confusing me…  ?   I think I’m going to let myself have some vague hope that I can walk away with a positive understanding of this for one more day and then I truly am going to just give up trying to do anything in regard to Mr. Blue to help myself process things.  And I know I keep saying that, but after tonight things have changed.

My romantic relationship with my husband is shit.  It doesn’t exist almost at all.  We have nothing.  I really am alone.  It’s just a formality…     Right now especially I don’t need some cruel person to engage with me just to find a million ways everyday to roll their eyes, laugh and feel superior in order to deal with their own problems.  Oh, and by the way, the fact that I can keep up with you at all Mr. Blue says a hell of a lot about my intelligence.  Thanks for acknowledging that.

…I really do hope I find true love someday.  That’s been the main thing I’ve wanted in life.  Everything else seems like an inferior substitute.  I mean, I didn’t have a particularly happy childhood.  I think, if I had, finding true love would have been equally significant but it probably would have been slightly less caustic to potentially never find it?  I wonder…

Anyway…

 

2 thoughts on “Honestly…

  1. To find that one that completes you, i sometimes think, must be pure bull. I have never found him and i think i have been out with Mr. Blue too. He sounds very familiar.
    I would settle for a great friend who i go out on dates with now and agaiin. No expectations at all and as much fun as possible. That would work for me.
    Independence is underated and frowned upon by society and yet, it’s me at my best. Enjoy being single that’s what i say.

    • Thank you for taking time to write this. And thank you for reading my blog!! That means a lot to me…

      You’re right, I don’t think anyone ever completes us per se, but I have seen people love each other so I know it’s possible (as rare as it is). I hope you find the best friend you’re looking for… Ugh. Men say women are complicated, but I think we both know that that’s the pot calling the kettle black. HA!

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