Ugly

Confession time.  I’ve been holding out hopes for something positive to happen with Mr. Blue and trying to communicate with him.

But today, I’m suspecting that communication was much less secure and emotionally safe than I realized.  And the biggest part of that emotional danger is how likely it is that he doesn’t read all of what I say but just parts here and there…   And I think that chaotic reading of my thoughts and words could explain at least a part of the pain I’ve been going through most recently in regard to that situation.

I’ll still be a bit hopeful whether that’s truly wise or not, but it’s so messy and I really do want what’s best so…  today I’m looking beyond.  I’m focusing on that thin sliver of light that still shines in my life through all this immense and heartbreaking darkness.  And not just in regard to the situation with Mr Blue but in almost every aspect of my entire life…

My mother’s health.  My divorce.  My son’s health.   My future plans.  And the unspeakable and awful so many things…

I think it’s official.   2016 is the year from Hell or the outskirts of some sort of purgatory for nearly hopeless cases.

All these faint shadows in our lives suggesting something more are like the cruel clowns.  They haunt and beguile us because they conjure up the hope and trust we felt in days long ago when everything was solid, concrete and safe.  Or so we foolishly believed…  Taking way too much for granted.

But they’re  just images, like a version of purgatory I once read about where you think you’re meeting all your dead loved ones only to eventually realize that none of it is real and you’re the only one who actually “exists.”  Can you imagine?

So we wrap ourselves in a cocoon in one form or another and wait.  We wait for the next four years to be over…  Or for the next chance to do something, really anything, that will break us out toward that future place of hope those of us breathing still believe in somewhere inside.  Whether we want to or not.   But we must…

To struggle forward is painful, as the perfect cliché goes.  But I will.  As always…   As fucking always…  And so should you.  We are all our own heroes.  And for those of us who believe in God let us not forget to say our prayers…

2 thoughts on “Ugly

  1. There are 2 cliches that apply to Mr Blue: “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” You keep trying to see something better in Mr Blue than he has demonstrated himself to be. Even IF he is a better person than he has appeared to be in your past interactions (ig someone not quick to leap to conclusions and judgement, someone not prone to turning you into a joke) then the 2nd cliche applies: “we accept the love we think we deserve.” You are chasing after Mr Blue; as a rule I don’t think it’s always bad for a woman to chase the man, but you are chasing someone who is not chasing you back, is not even keeping pace. Are you intentionally chasing someone who has rejected you already? Someone who is willing to string you along, but not committ or show up when it counts? Don’t. You are a sensitive, caring woman who has a lot to offer in a relationship. Stop chasing someone who hasn’t figured that out yet b/c honey, if he hasn’t noticed yet, he’s not going to–you might eventually “catch” him but it will never be fulfilling relationship. Stop wasting your time on him.

    • Thank you for this thoughtful and kind message. It means a lot that you took time to say something.

      He actually did seem like a really great person at first. So I don’t think I was trying to see something that wasn’t there at some point at least (sadly or not)… But a person’s persona can be very different than who they really are under the surface, of course. And, I have struggled to let go of that impression I had (that did seem to resurface every once and while). Actually it’s almost like the cliché you mentioned, but as a sort of nightmare. Which version of Mr. Blue that he shows is the real one?

      I don’t think I chased after him exactly… He generally initiated most interactions with me. And if he has rejected me it wasn’t a clear, straight forward and honest rejection, but more of a: It’s over because “I don’t care” but I do kinda because it’s more that “I can’t care” because really “I care too much about you” sort of confusing thing. And as crazy as that might sound it made sense in the context of the conversation.

      But yeah, when people send such mixed signals and on some level expect you to sit around deciphering them it’s “crazy making” whether they mean it to be or not. And it’s really just ludicrous because if he did care to such an almost frightening degree (it could alter his life in some big way he isn’t prepared for) then why would he expect me to make sense of his mixed signals and why wouldn’t he care about hurting me by lying to me at first and saying he didn’t care? You know? Like… it all falls into a mushy mess.

      I too have learned that you can “catch” people but it’s not worth it in the end. Most definitely. If someone doesn’t see anything special about you in the beginning they probably never really will.

      And I certainly have given him the benefit of the doubt much too much. I tend to just assume that people aren’t filled with ill will (at least to any sort of serious degree) and actually mean well in some way… and it usually works. But with most men I’ve been with (in an actual relationship) or even just had feelings for (like in this case) it has never panned out as well as it does in almost every other emotional situation.

      Thank you for saying I’m a sensitive and caring woman. That’s very kind. Thank you.

      But anyway, you are right… If someone doesn’t respect you you do need to draw the line somewhere. I hate to think that time spent with anyone is ever a waste in general, but yeah… I don’t think going further with him the way things stand right now would make absolutely any sense. And actually as of last night I gave up… I gave up trying to interact with him in a way where I am forced to make sense of his very confusing messages and give him the benefit of the doubt in one way or another to a masochistic degree. And if he doesn’t ever feel the need to explain anything in a clear and kind way then he probably never even valued me that much as a human with real feelings (despite what he may have suggested in any way otherwise).

      Thank you again for how kind your message was… And for reading my blog.

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