A Mistake

This morning I’m still processing many things.  Last night I was faced again by sad realizations about the health of people I love and other sad realities of my current life.

And from what I understand today, it really does seem like Mr. Blue was never trying to do anything other than humiliate me.  Apparently my grave and monstrous insult that deserved such a calculated emotional and psychological attack was thinking he would ever take me seriously as a romantic interest of any sort.

While he is in a place socially and economically above me in my country he seemed to see that gap as perhaps much wider than it actually is (and so did at least a few of his friends).  And instead of just being a harmless snob, content to revel in his own good fortune and the notches he’s found himself above me and others, he felt it necessary to…  viciously manipulate and mock me?  My heart and soul and my entire life…   My family.  My blog…  All of it.  And possibly for no other reason than that I thought he might fancy me?


Today that’s what it looks like.  And I hope that’s wrong…   I really really hope so.   Because that’s barbaric if true.   And shocking…

I’ve had admirers over the years that would likely have been considered “beneath me” in social ranking at various times but I can’t imagine feeling the need to humiliate them for expressing their affection or for them having those feelings, and hoping they might possibly be mutual, to begin with.  I may have even engaged with one of those men romantically but unfortunately for other reasons I was never into them.

It’s…  just amazing to me.  But if he’s surrounded by people who encourage such vile and bizarre behavior then I guess it’s possible he no longer realizes how weird and despicable what he did actually is…  Or maybe he never would have.   I don’t know.

And again, I fervently hope this is not what actually happened.  I hope I’m just misunderstanding something…

The good news is that if this really is reality it certainly makes moving on easier.  Anyone who is that lacking in taste, good judgement and empathy is far removed from someone I would ever want to meet much less get close to in any way.  And the same goes for the friends of his that are like too, I guess.

The other good news is that I don’t think any of the people who have been hateful (not everyone he associates with) ever really understood me that well.  And he might not have either…  Which is humorous because if this dark premise of humiliation is true then they likely perceive themselves as so far above me that I should be quite easy to understand.  But anyway, it’s actually wonderful now, because if he never truly understood me or saw my heart then what happened only mattered on an ordinary, basic human level. The rest was just a spit in the wind…

See, I am of the conviction that when it comes to romantic feelings you can’t really love someone (the most intense sort of romantic emotion), at least not at all ‪‬deeply, who is incapable of loving you.  Although, sadly, I think a lot of people don’t realize that and it’s a source of immense pain and suffering.

People have all these romantic dreams they imagine being almost possible if they could only just figure out some way to open the door to a specific heart.   But I firmly believe that if they could get inside they’d likely be embarrassed by how much they’d find unlovable.  They’d be disappointed to find out that the little bit they loved was as much as was ever possible for them to truly love that person.  Sometimes there are locks to protect people on both sides.

Of course, we don’t know who is capable and not capable of loving us.  Not really.  That’s part of the mystery, excitement and misery of love.  And in my case it seems to have been the foundation that a sad and evil joke was built on.  Or maybe he doesn’t even realize that that was the foundation…

Perhaps he thinks love pairings are based not on intangible pieces of beauty and what our hearts whisper, but on simple and obvious things that can be quickly arranged in a neat little list.   Again, he may have believed it should have been so clear to me to begin with that he was totally untouchable in any real way that it was my fault that I dared to even think otherwise.

I hope not.  I hope this is not what happened…  But I don’t know…

If it was only a cruel joke I’m now oddly in good luck because I’ll get over this very quickly.  I know myself…   Yet, if it wasn’t just a joke then at this point it’s mostly all just tragic I guess…  Too bad.





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