An Explanation

I’m still processing what happened with Mr. Blue.  Even though I know it’s very possible, I just can’t believe someone would actually manipulate and disregard someone’s feelings the way he seemed to with me.  I can’t believe an adult his age could act like such a high school bully.  And I can’t believe he had friends who not only went along with him but likely egged him on…

His persona around a lot of people is one of a respectable, sensitive and mature adult. It doesn’t seem like he’s someone who would find pleasure in taking advantage of a person and humiliating them for no real reason other than to just feel superior.  And as much as I wrote about him being awful on this blog I kept thinking I could be wrong…  I kept hoping I had misunderstood some piece that would at least make him seem like a decent person even if that meant that he was never interested in me to any real degree or at all.  And sure enough he kept reeling me back in with something…

Then he just dropped me without explanation.  And then there was a confusing explanation.  And then…  well then my worst fears were confirmed:  he said it was all just a joke (even though he said it wasn’t weeks and weeks before that and acted as if it wasn’t during that time).

But, really, it was a joke.  Given the disregard he showed he turned it into a joke regardless of what he was actually feeling.

And it amazed me how difficult it was for some people (certainly not all) who read this blog (and were connected to him) to understand where I was coming from…    Ever.   But I suspect that the view I take on love and sex is likely very different than what’s popular, especially here in the US, and I likely am easily misunderstood.   Of course some things like molestation, etc. are always wrong in my mind, and I’m in the majority with that.   But it seems my views are often either much more conservative and old fashioned than most people’s or much more progressive (or at least more “free”).    I worry about what that will mean for future dating after I’m (very likely) divorced…

No indeed, I’m in shock.  But in a good way.  It’s the sort of shock you feel waking up from a wild dream when you’re just trying to re-orientate yourself back into the world.   Only in this case my marriage was the dream and life outside of it is the world I must readjust to.  It’s a different one than when I “left” though…  Very different.  I’ve learned a lot, changed in some ways and the world itself has too.  In some ways it seems it’s improved and in some ways, perhaps many ways, it seems to have fallen into a very destructive darkness…

I’m still excited now though.   See, if it wasn’t Mr. Blue, something (or someone, unfortunately or not) would probably have given me the final shake to rouse me from my dozing, sad existence.   Or at least, I hope that’s true.  It’s possible that Mr. Blue was unique, but right now I don’t want to give him too much credit.  But anyway, I’m excited to have my heart back and I know I’ll either find someone to give it to who will treat it right or I’ll keep it myself (with God’s care) until the end.   And I’ve learned from Mr. Blue more of what I will never do again.

For one thing, I’ve realized (this time for good) that you really do have to be tough about your standards.   You have to have high expectations.  Or you’ll end up with so much less (or nothing) than you want or need.   And just to clarify I certainly do not mean anything monetary.  I’m talking about the way people treat you…   You have to get an idea of how you want to be treated and then stick to it.  You can’t just keep giving people the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again…  You can’t.

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