In the messy, chaotic and truly terrible experience I recently had with Mr. Blue I learned many things. And really, as much as it pains me deeply to admit it, I have no certain idea who he truly is. I have ideas. But every one of them are addled by the fuzzy and eventually idiotic forms of communication he forced the situation into.
Still, the person I originally thought he was was perfect for me. At least, that person could be… And as I’ve written about a million times on this blog, I hope to someday find a man with that persona who actually is what he appears to be. As opposed to someone pretending… I want someone genuine… I want a man who I don’t misunderstand so horribly that I find myself emotionally punched in the gut when all is said and done.
In the meantime I’m taking my divorce from Mark at the pace I want to take it: slowly. I don’t see any reason to rush it. And taking my time makes sense for everyone involved… We’ll all have time to adjust. It won’t be a shock. Everyone will have time to get used to things piece by piece.
It is a little miserable though… And yet, I feel like I’m getting my soul back from a quiet, polite but overly anticipated future death. I feel like I’m able to think about each day again without feeling like I’m just staying alive for my son.
I just wish the final straw had been something truly lovely. I wish it had been the real thing and not just my imagination. I wish it had been someone who was what I hoped they were. Or I wish it hadn’t even involved romance at all… I wish I had just figured this out without that sort of nudge. But it seems that was the only way… I was clinging on to my marriage and would have to the bitter end. I was trying to soldier on even though it was killing me from the inside out. And I don’t think this in any way excuses Mr. Blue from being cruel (if he was), but it does bring some sort of feeling of general optimism, I guess…