In the messy, chaotic and truly terrible experience I recently had with Mr. Blue I learned many things.  And really, as much as it pains me deeply to admit it, I have no certain idea who he truly is.   I have ideas.  But every one of them are addled by the fuzzy and eventually idiotic forms of communication he forced the situation into.

Still, the person I originally thought he was was perfect for me.  At least, that person could be…  And as I’ve written about a million times on this blog, I hope to someday find a man with that persona who actually is what he appears to be.   As opposed to someone pretending…   I want someone genuine…   I want a man who I don’t misunderstand so horribly that I find myself emotionally punched in the gut when all is said and done.

In the meantime I’m taking my divorce from Mark at the pace I want to take it: slowly.   I don’t see any reason to rush it.   And taking my time makes sense for everyone involved…   We’ll all have time to adjust.   It won’t be a shock.   Everyone will have time to get used to things piece by piece.

It is a little miserable though…  And yet, I feel like I’m getting my soul back from a quiet, polite but overly anticipated future death.  I feel like I’m able to think about each day again without feeling like I’m just staying alive for my son.

I just wish the final straw had been something truly lovely.   I wish it had been the real thing and not just my imagination.   I wish it had been someone who was what I hoped they were.   Or I wish it hadn’t even involved romance at all…   I wish I had just figured this out without that sort of nudge.   But it seems that was the only way…   I was clinging on to my marriage and would have to the bitter end.  I was trying to soldier on even though it was killing me from the inside out.   And I don’t think this in any way excuses Mr. Blue from being cruel (if he was), but it does bring some sort of feeling of general optimism, I guess…




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