I’m currently in the process of permanently leaving Mark. In that process I’ve had to figure out what’s left of my life for one thing. And, oh I’m sure that sounds dark and gloomy… But the thing is, it feels like that’s how divorce might work.
You commit to someone and offer yourself and your life to that person (in Christ) and then you work with them back and forth until you become one more and more… to the point that you can get lose your individuality a bit. And while, in a truly healthy marriage, that oneness is a very lovely thing in a marriage where two decent people aren’t necessarily right for each other it can become… emotionally destabilizing. You forget parts of yourself you needed or valued. You lose things… And since my husband (soon to be ex husband most likely) isn’t a “bad person” I’ve gained experiences and views that while not necessarily well suited for me as an individual person have given me depth and experience. I owe him a great amount of gratitude for his valiant and loving attempt to be a good husband in the way he has known how.
Anyway, I’m trying to figure myself out again. I still know who I am because I’m still me… but… I’ve changed. A fair amount. He has too. They say you can’t change people but I disagree. If there’s any sort of love and/or respect in marriage your spouse does truly affect you. Sometimes it’s for much better and sometimes it can be for at least worse.
I struggle because I still have feelings for the man I was falling for… Yes. I know. Some of you can’t stand him and think it’s a total waste of time. It might be. But… things changed and I haven’t discussed them because it got to be too personal for even this blog. I now am not entirely sure if there was a giant misunderstanding between two well intentioned people who were falling for each other and were in complicated situations or if he really was basically a sort of demon… Ha! Seriously though… it’s rather confusing. So… I’m hoping that in time I’ll know.
But, for now, I’m back to thinking that affairs are a truly bad idea. What I struggle with is whether or not declaring your feelings is bad… Is it wrong to discuss your feelings with someone if you know you’re both in the process of being single or if you’re single and the other person isn’t? I wonder… Maybe it is. But if you don’t try to interact beyond the initial declaration is it? I wonder… Like, if you were going off to war and wanted someone to know, would it be wrong to suggest you cared? I don’t know.
I hope whatever happens that there’s no more misunderstanding between me and the gentleman I fell for. I don’t want a bad relationship and I don’t want to hurt a genuinely kind man either… in any way. And I hope he (the good man I hope he is) won’t just think I don’t care deeply because I’m trying to be more spiritually and emotionally careful in general and respectful of the marriage I’m ending… Although truly, if he is a good person he truly will…
Whatever happens in the next week will be… intriguing. I’m home (Minnesota) and I’m going to be exploring what’s there inside my soul and heart. I’m going to be praying and hoping… for God’s truth.