Life Plans 

Nope.  Those men didn’t…  become anything special.  Just disappointing…   The ones I was interacting with that is…  And I’m not one to wait around.  Especially not anymore.

So, I’m giving up.

My ex (still technically my husband) is passionately determined to still make our marriage work.   It’s a bit fascinating to me.  He even joined Instagram and in part to have fun but mainly to “pursue” me in some sort of way…    It’s innocent and quite endearing on his part but almost humorously ineffective.  We’re so terribly romantically matched it could be a dark comedy at times…

I doubt our marriage will last because we’re always more friends than anything romantic but he’s a brilliant dad.  And I’m totally exhausted by the stupidity of the romantic interactions I’ve had in the last year and a half (to be exact).

I could easily think, “oh it’s just because I’m still technically married.  When the divorce is finalized quality bachelors will emerge.”  But I doubt that too…

They never did before.  I married Mark for a reason…   after all.

So why ruin a good, stable situation?  It’s a safe and consistent home-life for my child.  And that’s beyond utterly important.

It might make me miserable, in a way, but…  oh well.  *sigh*  What I’m truly looking for is rare (but possible!) anyway, so…  And I’m tired of fighting to create a haphazard life on some off chance that I’ll be happy a million years from now when I finally “meet someone.”

No, it’s not emotionally feasible, practical or possible to leave right now.   It’s just…  not. I’ve discovered that the hard way…  

I got myself into this mess so I’ll pay the toll.  And that means biding my time until I can feasibly leave.  That might take years…   Many years.  A decade? *sigh*

But I have my truth.  Mostly.  And it’s not like it’s anyone’s burden but mine anyway.  And I suppose God (the father) cares…  

I have no bloody clue what I’ll do if some man falls in love with me again and I start falling too.  That was, of course, the main reason I thought to leave Mark.  I didn’t want to be stuck in a sad, dead marriage that gave plenty of emotional impetus to cheat.  It seemed unwise.   But, instead I am reminded, these last few months especially, why I’ve stayed…

I might even have one more child.   Who knows…  I never wanted an only child.  I was one.  It’s horrible…

We might finally decide to buy a home and stay in one spot.  Why not?

You see, unless I have a big, big positive push to leave him (or it’s detrimental to him or my son) I won’t until it’s safe and reasonable.  Again, that could take a while…

And if Mark is happy…  My son is happy…   What adult (I hasten to write the word adult because my son likely cares) gives a shit how I feel about my marriage (at least in America)?  I’ll be blunt: nobody really (outside of some kind readers of this blog perhaps).

Yes.  That sounds morbid.  But it’s true.  It’s a brutal world…    And I could be soo much worse off and I’m relieved I’m relatively ok.

And, of course, this sounds so…  evil.  Doesn’t it?  But…  what else does one do in my situation?  Run off?  Get a divorce and drag people through that?  There isn’t anyone I want to run off with first of all, and secondly I’ll keep seeing Mark anyway. I have a son with him.

So…  again, I’m going to end a stable life to be very miserable for a few years and then maybe find some man who (maybe) astoundingly truly loves me that I love to?   Meanwhile in that scenario, my son is suffering, I’m battling serious anxiety and exhaustion and Mark is very depressed?!  Yeah.  No thanks.

No, I did this to myself six years ago when I said “I do.”   The ship sailed.   And now I’m stuck at sea: unhappy, lonely and occasionally seasick until I reach shore.

And I will someday…  I will.   When I’m a bit older (and hopefully not too much less desirable).

In the meantime…  oh well.  I’ll just have to find ways to make life more sunny without romantic love or the close possibility of it for a probable while.  I’ll be a sort of depressing variety of “nun” I guess…  Withering, wasting away…  Haha.  (But seriously) Unless God in His mercy decides otherwise in some sort of positive manner, I guess.  

2 thoughts on “Life Plans 

  1. Karrie, I’ve been reading along (I hope I’m not overstepping), but as a child of parents that stayed together despite things falling apart- if you’re not feeling present give yourself, your son and husband the gift of allowing each of you to be happy. My mom was miserable for years and I learned from her that that was how relationships worked. It took 4 solid years of therapy for me to get over that concept in my relationships. It also sounds like you need some time to just spend with yourself as Karrie the independent individual, if you do decide to leave it shouldn’t be for someone else, it should be for you to feel healthy and happy. And I know that the prospect of being by yourself is daunting, especially with your son, and still seeing your husband, but it will be worth it and you are worth having a healthy and happy relationship. One that you don’t have to give up who you are, including personal happiness.

    • You are certainly not overstepping. I appreciate your kindness actually. Thank you! I don’t know what to say though…

      I’ve separated from him twice. Both times I came to the conclusion that leaving right now will be brutal.

      See, part of the problem (and this sounds like an excuse but it isn’t) is that my son has epilepsy and is also very close to his father. So with that complication added, the regular stressors of leaving someone while raising small children and etc become pretty potentially ugly… Frankly, I don’t have a lot of people who would support my decision to leave him in my circles either… And he’s not an abusive or even mean man. Let’s say that if he was dating a friend and they were genuinely in love I wouldn’t raise any objections. He’s that good of a guy. We just are an absolutely terrible match in many ways and I think emotionally we don’t give each other what we both need.

      I don’t want to give my son the wrong idea about relationships and I’d like to think that he’ll understand enough not to come to the conclusion that relationships like our marriage are ideal or best. But I see your concern. Of course, that has to be weighed with the concerns that would come with leaving his dad and creating pain and chaos in his life at such a young age too though…

      Again, I’ve tried it. It’s been ugly.

      I don’t disagree that I deserve happiness. Thank you for saying I do! However, life isn’t a bed of roses either of course, and my plan is to feel my way through things and hopefully they’ll be a day when I’ll be able to leave without making my son’s life too much worse… Seeing him in pain isn’t worth the positives of being single given how stable and relatively ok things are at home between his dad and I. Misery can be quiet and subtle of course… Haha!

      Truly though, I resvisit my idea to just stay with my current husband often. But I think if we sat down and talked at length you’d see why I find my current situation so perplexing… Mostly because there’s a ton of gray…

      I don’t *need* time alone, I don’t think. Although for many people that’s good after a divorce or breakup. I know that people say that, but that’s not… necessary for me I don’t think. I was single for a long time before I was with my husband. However, there isn’t anyone right now I’d even be with so I suppose I’d likely get that time by myself anyway… Haha!

      Again, if our marriage stays the way it is, we’ll likely divorce someday but… I’m not ready to deal with the difficulty right now. I hope someday I will be…

      Gosh that sounds bad doesn’t it? But… Thank you for caring enough to say something and for being brave enough to say something. Maybe this answer seems like nonsense. Please feel free to say so if it does. ☺️

      Thank you!

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