Frustration

…A dear friend on Instagram just messaged me out of concern. They were worried that I was suffering from insomnia, I think. I’m sure they meant well, and I wasn’t offended but as they explained their concerns further I did become frustrated. Not because they were offensive, (the opposite) but because they seemed unaware of a few things I’ve tried so desperately to be clear about. And I do try to be clear. Unfortunately I have no idea what people understand and what they read. He may or may not read this blog… Who knows. Truly.

But either way, I think it’s tougher for others to understand us online than we realize. There’s a lot to sort through.

So, since they seemed to worry that I might also be feeling lonely let me clarify this: While it would be nice to have more close friends (I used to have more) and I miss my family back in Seattle, I am not lonely otherwise.

My marriage has changed a lot for the better over the last year. There have been two times in the last three years we’ve separated but…I fell in love so deeply with Mark at the start for a reason. And he married me and allowed me to see gradually into his heart and let me into it for a reason. He’s not one to trifle with and he rarely opens up so if he does it’s meaningful. I’ve realized this now…

He loves me. But it’s taken years to understand that… Sadly. Because, Mark is soo different from me and I’m different from him. We think differently due to our innate personalities (and not due to our problems mind you). He’s a math genius and I can do math but I’m average at it at best. I am more verbal and I’m more of a “people person.” He loves reading but isn’t as verbally inclined. And again, it’s not that those differences are bad but we communicate our thoughts and feelings differently. We have different approaches to life at times.

He knew that I loved him but he struggled to make his feelings clear to me. He’s not the best at sharing his feelings (stereotypical guy thing, I know). He’s told me he loves me but…he’s more one to communicate with meaningful actions than words or romance. And I’d seen his rejection in his actions in the past but missed how much he tried to prove his love…

In the last year in particular I’ve seen his love so often in moments of vulnerability that I’ve realized more of his heart. And of course, he’s happy I’m finally believing him that he means it when he says he loves me the few times every once and a while when he manages to truly say it. 😂 He never wanted our marriage to end but didn’t know how to fix things beyond just being himself… And thankfully, for us, that’s currently more than good enough.

I can’t guarantee the future but I can say that we’re in a much better and different place than we’ve ever been in.

Who knows what people are thinking though… I can only imagine. This person, again, was trying to be kind today. Lord only knows what my enemies believe… 😂 (like the other recent message I received)

I do try to be honest though. Truly…

Oh well.