Who We Are and What We Deserve

Who am I?  Who are you?  Those are huge questions.

My relatives in both my maternal grandmother’s and maternal grandfather’s families have been researching our family trees for over 30 years.  They’ve gone to great lengths to do this in part to find out a bit more about who they are and, more importantly to them, who their family is.  But nowadays it’s quite popular to research your family history and with the DNA sites it’s amazing how much history is available.  People are uncovering little bits of their reality.

Sometimes though the question becomes less benign and more violent.  Like, when people don’t want to hear that someone is what they are – when people try to steal or denigrate identity pieces of others to suit some purpose.  (Or try to steal something in general.)

My mind wanders suddenly (and fairly randomly) to the Duchess of Sussex.  I feel so much sadness for her in regard to her family and identity.

Now, I doubt that dear, elegant and incredibly sexy Meghan (and I don’t mean that in a lesbian way because I’m not of that orientation for anyone, but instead I mean it as a truly objective observation)…is entirely innocent.  She likely has some baggage.  And I would be shocked if she isn’t at least a little shrewd and conniving…

But good golly.  The Duchess of Sussex is also obviously amazing…   Not just any young lady with a pretty face and talent could do what she’s done with her life.  It takes something different and unique combined with an unusual amount of energy, passion and brilliance to take that difference and wildly run with it to the far reaches of human experience in any direction.

So when her father’s family back in the US says, “That little dumbass…  She thinks she’s better than us and she isn’t.” (and etc.)  I feel so much anger and sadness.  Of course, I then question the authenticity of the entire thing (because, for one thing, how can people truly be so obtuse)…  But let’s just say that they really are silly people.  Let’s just say that they really are that...absurd. 

Although it’s totally uncool to say this nowadays, here we go: Umm…”Meghan family” she is better than you all.  And Meghan is just being real and brutally (perhaps a bit unkindly) honest if she’s ever intentionally made you feel that way.

Sorry.

You’re not as intelligent as her.  You’re not as good looking or pretty as her.  You’re not as fascinating as her.  You’re not as cool as her.  You’re not as shrewd as her.  You’re not as gifted as her.  You’re not as educated, sophisticated or…clever as her, dear “Meghan family.”   Not by a long shot.

So…

Perhaps she could have handled her family better, but good grief.  Some of the jealous things they say are…unbelievable.  How can anyone be that delusional and dishonest?  Where’s the humility and self awareness in her paternal US family?

And besides all that egotistical silliness is another intriguing thing.  They also don’t seem to believe Meghan deserves what she has now with Harry.

Oh sure.  They likely seem to think they might deserve it…  Or?

Some people have called racism in respect to the Markle clan.  They claim that their antics are a part of some sort of Cinderella’s-step-sister-syndrome.  You know?  The little black one among them who was supposed to be a piece of nothing that did their bidding but instead turned out…well…to be the best one and married the prince?  Yeah…  Maybe that’s true of them.  I don’t know.

But regardless of what it is motivating them, her family struggles with the “she doesn’t deserve it parade” and a lot of the general public does too.   And on a related note, there are many who do the same thing to the Duchess of Cambridge.

Hmm…

You know, why is that?  Why do people look up and yell, “You don’t deserve it!“?

(This just ties in with my other post today, but I needed to write a bit more.  Sorry if it all seems redundant now.)

…It’s not just people of the dizzying height of the British Royal family who experience this, of course. It’s common.

I’m somewhere in the upper middle to lower part of the upper class in my current social standing (to be so blunt and open) – nowhere near the Duchess of Sussex.  But, even with what I have there are too many people who insinuate in tone, subtext or through direct words that I don’t deserve what I have.   Or they try to manage some way I have less than I do – less than what I “project.”   But either way, it’s a form of thievery and it’s at least hostile if not somewhat violent and don’t think it doesn’t affect me.  It does.

Now, again, I’m not actually comparing myself to Meghan, or trying to say I’m like her in general (so don’t try to jump me).   …I was just thinking about some of the animosity I’ve experienced over the years that has come to a boiling point as of late, online at least, and I think since she’s in the news so much I thought of her and how she too seems to encounter people who don’t think she deserves what she has. But, again, some people do that to anyone who happens to possess something they don’t have. – anyone “above them.”

And frankly, I also think the nicer you are the more likely they are to do it. If I was actually a really bad person a lot people who attack me would be nicer to me.  If I was greedy and lazy and a wanton, untouchable, cold piece of earth they would…respect me.  Because oddly, if you show vulnerability those people tend to feel worse.

They feel worse about themselves.  Worse about their fate.  Worse because they can’t hate you as easily…

And weirdly, people who go around feeling sorry for themselves, refusing to own their own mistakes honestly and who think they inherently “deserved better than what they have” and are “superior” to their social equals in some way that has little to do with reality want to be bullied.  They love being pushed around.  They look for it…  It attracts them.

It’s not that they might not be victims of something either or had some real misfortune that has held them back in various ways that are very true and sad (most of us have had a few of those sort of things in life), but instead it’s beyond that.   They aren’t truly content with what they have.  Ever. And as long as there is someone with more than them they must invent some tragedy that provides an absolution to their ego rather than dealing with their own personal lack or failings in a mature way.

But truly, if I was cold and acted genuinely superior a lot of insecure and hostile people would “believe me” and believe I deserve what I have…  Then I would fit some narrative that lets them be a total victim and not at all an instigator of their own fortunes.  And maybe they would think I’m just as indifferent to their actual pain and truth as they are.

By believing that we are all intrinsically valuable and equal, despite the cold fact that some people are more blessead or lucky than others, people apparently start to question things about you.   They can’t just let it be.  They can’t just let reality be.

Those folks have to have inequality (whether they know it or not)…  Someone has to be better than someone else or at least the inequalities that exist have to be beaten into our minds and meditated upon.

But the truth is, I think, a lot of what we have as adults is because we earned it one way or another.  Through good, wise choices and through bad ones we make our way beyond the helplessness of childhood.  There are some people who are inherently more disadvantaged, there are obstacles that are greater than others, and fortunes that are horrible, but most people have some moment when they can make a choice that will bring them something of real value.  Something beautiful.  Be it a relationship or something of less actual value most people have a choice to earn it or let it pass them by…    And while luck changes moment by moment what we earn stays with us in some form.

And if you’re so lacking in blessings that you can’t achieve what you want it still doesn’t mean that someone else doesn’t deserve it if they have it.    Most of the time, they actually do deserve it…   Sadly or not.

This life is harsh.  Harsh.   And every day is a battle for everyone.   Everyone is in a battle… We are a species constantly trying to thrive…and constantly trying to survive.

And even if you aren’t the prettiest lady in the church choir or walking down the avenue why do YOU deserve to be alive in the first place?  I’m glad you are, but why do you deserve it?  Do you deserve it?  Why aren’t you laying on some battleground in a war torn country starving to death?  Why aren’t you crying at the hands of some abusive owner who beats you every night to oblivion?  Why are you able to read this?  Why aren’t you blind or illiterate?  Sound silly?  Well, think about it though…

Do you deserve what you have?!

Of course, we are all given the right to life at least at birth (if not before).  And I believe our inherent human rights are based on that basic first of survival…   But I bet in some ways you do deserve through merit at least some of the blessings you have too…   Be honest.  Our choices matter.  You did a lot right.  Didn’t you?

But our life is also based on luck too.  It’s random.  It’s complicated and messy.

<shrugs>

Or at least if there’s some grand supernatural plan it’s extremely mysterious at times.  And, saying that, I actually do believe in God.  I tend to think that God is all powerful but that we are in some fallen state in this world and that evil (which can manifest as “bad luck”) has a necessary function.   And I believe that the less luck you have the better off you’ll be in the next life.  I also believe that our good choices are weighed equally to the moments of brave suffering.   They’re sometimes combined…   I think I’ll have to be accountable when I die (and to some degree before) for what I’ve been given and for the choices I’ve made…  Again, I believe we all will.

But…regardless of what you believe about God, there is something wise about refusing to be a permanent victim. There is a lot to say about valuing your choices as seen through the lens of empathy and self respect.

Anyway…I have no intention of becoming mean or unkind, but I do think I might be less…”nice.”  I’m learning that sadly politeness is of more value than friendliness in dealing with people who might hate you because of their own woes and insecurities (whether they are founded as in the “Meghan family” or unfounded).