I still cannot get over it.

You know, I’ve analyzed it logically and it’s probably unlikely my family reads this. Although, I don’t know… I had a first cousin who used to years ago. It’s unclear if she still does. But if they don’t, maybe that’s good. Ha! I wouldn’t want to be or seem uselessly offensive or holier than thou (not my intent at all).

But…I really was gobsmacked by the family news about my cousin. I heard it from my mother who heard it from my cousin’s father (my mother’s brother). And…it all just sounds…awful.

My cousin and his wife were married around the same time as Mark and I…and frankly…I’d bet people thought my marriage would be the one that would die instead of their marriage (provided theirs even truly does).

Mark and I were the ones who got married in Vegas (Lake Mead). We were the ones who traveled around the world for over a year and “lived together before marriage” (no I’m not discussing that subject or making an insinuation about it but instead just stating the facts)…and we probably seemed more…wild (believe it or not), and irresponsible and…doomed.

But…I guess that’s not how it worked out. It even amazes me a little actually…

And, I’ve gotta be honest, it’s hard for me to know what to think about it all right now. It’s just really affecting me…

Being honest though, there are some things I’m not sharing that make the woman who married my cousin look…pretty bad. And yet, my cousin made his choice to marry her and seemingly still wants to be married to her so…maybe there’s something that’s not been said or fully explained? And I mean that all quite seriously; I really don’t know.

If she is rather…negative…then I’m not even sure what I should be hoping for. Should I be hoping they get back together? Should I be hoping they don’t? What if they really are a bad match?

*twists face into a confused pucker*

See, I’ve had very mixed experiences with my cousin’s wife. It really is impossible for me to be sure what sort of person she is. She could be a bit immature, insecure, overly competitive, manipulative, evil-hearted and selfish…or she could be deeply misunderstood, complex, confused, incredibly hurt, sensitive, daring, brave, and…maybe a bit sad? I don’t know her. I don’t bloody know her… And while I can see certain similarities and differences from what I’ve observed between her and my cousin, I wonder if I’m just imagining things. …Maybe they’re nothing alike and she’s just been using him for years and now that it’s not necessary to “keep him” or…what have you…she can drop him in what almost appears (again I don’t know) to be a self-aggrandizing, pseudo-spiritual and sickeningly pretentious way.

*shrugs with some anger*

But…either way, it’s tragic.

*sad sigh*

You go to someone’s wedding who you saw once, long ago, as a little boy playing with his siblings and their dog in their backyard, and you want to see that marriage last. You want the happiness you thought you saw between them to be…real. And while I had a bad feeling about things between them and sensed they might not stay together, I also recalled the smiles and the giddy loveliness they occasionally seemed to possess fairly recently, and certainly seemed to possess at first. I hoped they would be ok for the sake of them and their family.

I recall at their wedding hearing jubilant toasts about how beautiful they were as couple. I recall hearing about their heart warming, heartbreakingly amazing love. I recall…someone saying that just watching them as a couple brought profound encouragement to her; that…their happiness made others happy.

Well, what in hell happened? Huh?!

I have ideas, but I’m just a first cousin who gets senses and all that. I don’t truly know…

*sigh and shrug*

I just hope this awful sadness ends in this…season.

And since I’m likely just talking to my fragrant followers and myself, I’ll be done now. Sometimes things just genuinely shock you despite the possible warnings…