Going Forward

Last night I was hurt and perplexed.

Given logic and intuition, I had to at least partially wonder if one of my now former Instagram followers sort of…hates me.  Ha!  She seemed to possibly be alluding to me in a post and suggesting I lack self awareness, although it was not 100% clear it was about me?  I do not think that that’s the case, that I lack self awareness, of course, and found it sad that her and others might think that I do.  Although, I’m not at all surprised, unfortunately.

But what seemed to have happened, as I pieced it all together, was that she likely thought more than once that I was describing her when I discussed jealousy, competitiveness, insecurity and etc. being a negative thing online on this blog, on Instagram and in general.  Ironically, I was never talking about her directly or solely even once, although I had wondered about her true feelings about me for a while given some of the things she’d do or say over the years and to some minor degree I likely was including her in my recent vocalization of frustrations on Instagram.  However, what amazes me is that she didn’t seem to understand or believe that there are dozens of people who have been sending messages, saying catty things and talking about me behind my back for years due to my Instagram activity and this blog.   But…since she thought I was “calling her out” maybe it’s because a. she actually wasn’t entirely innocent and saw herself in what I wrote and, well, b. if it wasn’t about her it would mean people are genuinely jealous and/or competitive in regard to me, etc., and so it had to be about her…because that made me less threatening.

Also ironically, there are a few people in recent months (and days) who have said things (both in private message form and in comments) like, “You’re so nice.  I can’t imagine why anyone would be rude to you.” and often I’ve had the sense from their overall tone (I’m paraphrasing it badly) that they are, in fact, making a snide comment themselves as to suggest that there’s no way anyone could be jealous of me or feel hatred, stemming from insecurity, towards me.   Perhaps I’ve misunderstood one or more of them (also very possible), but I do wonder…   And, to them: If that sense of mine is correct and you’re being snide, I think, obviously, that you may be jealous.   Did that ever strike you as possible?  So, why question whether other people could be jealous too if you feel that way yourself?  That’s absurd.  And given the absurdity of your words due to their possible underlying suggestion and intent why do expect me to continue taking you seriously?

I’m sorry, but I’m not an idiot darlings.  And you want to hear something not at all patronizing, but also not very kind?  Sometimes I’ve wondered if some of you are idiots or not particularly bright or perceptive.

No, at any rate, a lot you are jerks.  And now, one or more of you claim I lack self-awareness?   Fair enough.   I don’t.   In fact it’s likely many of you who do.

You don’t think I can see how spiteful and two faced some of you are?   And I try to be nice to some of you who are probably like that for the sake of peace and because of plausible deniability, not because I don’t see through you potentially and your attempts to “gain the upper hand” in some stupid, often passive agressive way.

And…you don’t think I’m being sincere or honest when I express almost anything that puts me in a good light?  Right?  Or if I’m not lying then there’s some catch to it that can give you carte blanche to go on feeling superior in some way? …The evil has to be about me and what’s wrong with me and not that many of you are a bunch of obssesive, angry, and competitive assholes.

Truly, why do some of you care so damn much about my every word?  Why are you so bizarrely fascinated by me?  None of us have ever even met… Doesn’t that seem a bit pathological and off to you?  I even get the sense that some of you likely find ways to pathetically “follow” me even after I’ve tried to part ways with you and you aren’t actually following me. …Stop demonizing me or making me sound “crazy” when you’re the one who keeps seeking me out and desperately trying to find ways I’m wicked or inferior.

No, I’ve realized that there’s nothing I can do to try to explain (but I still had to post this).  There’s nothing I can do to convince you haters that you all have the problem and not I.  But, yet again, I’m not an elitest idiot.  And on the other hand, I’m not pretending to be something I’m not.  And perhaps many of you should go look in the mirror at yourselves and your own egotistical, hurtful and bad behavior.

Don’t contact me.  Don’t harass me.  Please try to forget I exist dear haters. All of you.  And I will do my best to distance myself from the public.  After this post I’m considering taking down my blog or making it entirely about perfume.  We’ll see.  Either way, please respect my boundaries and truly go away if you despise me in some way.  Stop blaming me and taking advantage of me and my sweetness.  I’m a nice person not a pushover, fool or worse. You likely even know that, and now please stop making me less than I am to soothe your ego in a million different ways.   Just Go. Away.