*Sigh*

So, it’s worked out well to stop sharing almost anything personal on Instagram and to end these journal posts on this blog. A lot of you reading this who have decided to compete are incredibly determined. (And no I don’t mean the lady who I no longer am in touch with as of last week, if she’s reading this.) And there’s no point in being vulnerable or sharing almost anything personal unless I have my guard up. It’s not safe… Also, those individuals online who actually care, at this point, have found ways to express that care. I look forward to still keeping in touch with them more privately.

But truly, it amazes me how much of their own nonsense people will believe when they’re trying to comfort their wounded egos. And it amazes me too how people can almost see reality and admit to it but struggle with those final leaps and conclusions.

No, I refuse to further defend myself or explain more to anyone reading this blog beyond the following… Sorry.

So, here goes:

You can twist facts, history and actual reality a million different ways. You can not truly research things or base your impressions on gossip, half-truths or skewed experiences. And while those false impressions might be comforting they are, of course, not accurate.

And the thing is, most of you all know the truth. Somewhere inside yourselves…you know. You wouldn’t be trying so hard to twist things otherwise if you didn’t.

I’m a nice person. I always have been. And I’ve generally never had a problem with anyone until they made things negative. I like to keep the peace. But I don’t like being attacked or bullied anymore than the next person.

…So, if you’ve felt inferior to me in some way… Umm… Maybe that’s because there are real reasons for that that have nothing to do with something I “did wrong” per se, and certainly not because I set out to hurt or offend others.

Sorry, that’s harsh. But I’m being brutally honest.

You might not be as smart, as well educated, as pretty, or as nice as me. You might not be as sophisticated, or well bred as I am. You might not be as wise. As talented. As honest… You might not be as well off and maybe you never have been.

Now what? What am I supposed to say after that? Because how dare I say that. Right? Can you believe I said all that?! I mean, good grief! Now you can be sure you’re better than me because only a narcissist or an asshole would say they’re maybe just actually “better” than you in some way that people quantify and qualify things in in reality. Right? Right?! I mean… Wow. How dare I?!

But the thing is…what if that’s just the simple truth of it? What if you’re actually pushing yourself down by trying to compete and repackage things constantly in your favor? Or trying to skew or finesse millions of big and small realities to at least appear within some realm of equality.

People see through you. Don’t believe it? Well, try. Despite how kind they seem or how nice they are, or how much they want to join you in your hostility, they do. Just as much as I do. Just as much as you do.

And here’s what I cannot for the life of me understand: Why does it any of it matter?!?

Truly. Do you know what I mean by that? Let me expound on that just a little…

I have a first cousin who’s about ten years older than me who was beyond drop dead gorgeous in her late teens and twenties. I mean, truly. She was…probably one of the most breathtakingly beautiful young ladies I’ve ever seen. And her awe-inspiring good looks were both natural and due to how talented she was at putting herself together. People literally stopped to admire her in public. She was…like a combination of Anna Nicole Smith in her best years, Grace Kelly and some random, stunning Swedish model all at once (yeah that sounds convoluted but I’m trying to be accurate). And no, I’m not biased because she’s my cousin. And yes, she’s still very beautiful – people just often have years where they’re at their absolute most golden. (Don’t read the wrong thing into my words.)

Of course, I didn’t necessarily like the fact that I felt much less glamorous around her but I didn’t actually hate it either. And I certainly didn’t hate her! I also didn’t try to compete… I just accepted it.

Whether I was or am as pretty or glamorous or whatnot as her, doesn’t matter. Truly. I mean, it’d be nice to think I might have been even close to her beauty in my twenties too…but if I wasn’t, objectively speaking, then so be it. And, again, this isn’t a humble-brag. She was that rare of a beauty.

But indeed, the fact that someone as lovely as her, in their prime, existed is enough. When you truly love beauty for the sake of beauty and art for the sake of art…and luxury for the sake of luxury…(I could go on) it’s not about winning. It’s not about hurting others or stabbing your way to the top. Because you know the top is just that. It’s a beautiful place, but there are millions of splendid branches beneath it. And some of them can be quite nice actually… You don’t need the best view of it all to enjoy the view.

Now, again, the best view in any given situation is of course wonderful. Please don’t get me wrong. You know? I mean, to be honest, I’d love to live in a grand old European palace. Truly! I’m very passionate about history and if I had the funds to both buy and maintain such a palace, I would be over the moon. …But…a lovely old home in the American Midwest with just the right sort of architecture, history and in a good neighborhood sounds wonderful to me too. OR if I couldn’t afford that and had to buy an old, historic townhouse I would enjoy that… Actually, I’ve now lived in two old, historic buildings in apartments (not because I couldn’t afford a house just to clarify yet again) and enjoyed that… You can enjoy beauty in many places in life.

What am I missing? Oh wait… I’m not able to relate to being genuinely poor and/or from a family that was truly poor (not just without really decent funds temporarily but without a “map of things,” so to speak) within a few generations or several (or more)? Hmm. Maybe? But…what my family map tells me and told me growing up was that what’s important is never to be the best but to be the best version of yourself. Corny? Yes!! But…it’s true. You have to accept reality to overcome anything holding you down. And not back from conquering the world but down… Down from real happiness or closeness to yourself, or God, or others. And sometimes that means “winning” and sometimes it means coming in second, third, forth or tenth. *shrugs* But the way to being rich in every sense (relationships, monetary, etc.) is through hard work on every level (emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, etc.). Hard work emotionally means happily losing if you tried your best and it “wasn’t enough.” There are no substitutes.

Even if you inherit hundreds of thousands of dollars or millions or billions you have to deal with reality. And money truly isn’t the wonder drug it’s made out to be folks. It can be spent wisely and enjoyed in moderation but it runs out and is very, very easily wasted. And then it’s just gone… That’s it. Like a breath or a moment. So, you have to be careful with it and that requires a lot of discipline and discernment, especially when you’re not a heartless pos who doesn’t care that others don’t have as much or even a decent pair of shoes in some cases.

It’s just important to realize or remember that it’s not about everything being “the best.” (Although hierarchies do exist) Competition is fun in moderation but not as a way of relating to the world all the time. At least not for me. No, I don’t understand that mentality. I just don’t… And that was my point all along.