Out of the Spotlight

…Something else occurred to me today too. I think there are people on Instagram who have been trying to compete with me and I didn’t/don’t know it. (If you’re reading this blog and you think that that’s you then please don’t be offended. I’m not trying to “call you out” so much as just muse about it. Remember, I might still be oblivious to your actions.)

And I wonder if some of the people who have intentionally been competitive without me recognizing it realize that I haven’t noticed (up until now for some of them or I still am waiting to notice in regard to others)… Going further I wonder if they realize that I haven’t been competing back. I mean, is it possible I’ve accidentally shared something that could be misconstrued as competing? Yes. But while I shared too much out of frustration and a desire to piss people off (as I’ve said a million times in different ways for many months) I’ve never actually competed with anyone in particular. Truly. Matter of fact, if people seemed competitive I often made it a point to go out of my way to avoid competing with them. Maybe that was seen as competition? I wonder…

But really, I just don’t like competition. Bragging I was taught not to appreciate or do but I can tolerate it. Competition is a different matter… It’s not that I’m unsure of myself or that I don’t respect the idea that one should prove themselves or the value they can contribute in certain situations. I just find the idea of trying to “do better” than others offensive. I also know that some people are more blessed or lucky than others and that there is an inherent cold (and indifferent) hierarchy in the world – that was part of my premise when I decided to antagonize people who consistently seemed to want to tear me down or malignantly compete. But…recognizing the structure of things and using it to anger people is still not the same as loving competition.

*sigh*

No, I just don’t see it. I don’t get the thrill of competing. And that’s not to say that that’s all good (or any which way), necessarily. I suspect that part of my lack of ability to “get it” stems from kindness but I also think it’s a result of my eccentricities. Yes, eccentricities. And what I mean by that is that I don’t have some of the same desires as a lot of my peers.

To explain I’ll go back to my childhood: Even though I wanted to be one of the snowflakes or flowers in the little version of the Nutcracker that our class performed in the second grade I was given a more matronly role of “tea cup dancer.” I had to carry a large and cumbersome umbrella… Or I was cast as the narrator in other plays… Basically, I often had no role but to be the voice of reason and objectivity in such situations while growing up. Nothing glamorous. …People wanted to relegate me off to the sidelines for whatever reason, as they do with many others, but instead of fighting it I started to like it. I developed a genuine taste for being in the shadows or part of the supporting cast. And to this day I still feel more comfortable in that role than as “the star.”

Now, that’s not to say that I don’t assert myself. I have a strong sense of self. I just don’t necessarily like being given that much attention. Some is good but not too much. …And that might seem weird considering my propensity to write about myself (ahem *rolling eyes*) but I primarily write this blog for myself (as many other bloggers also do) and I don’t assume anyone or anyone in particular will necessarily read it. Although, I recognize that possibility (more and more).

Anyway, I don’t aim to be the “popular one” or to have the spotlight. And I don’t aspire to the feminine ideal of “the perfect.” Perfect house. Perfect kids. Perfect husband. Perfect car. Perfect body. Perfect everything… I really don’t. I love quality and beauty and want to be happy but that’s different. But I know a lot of other people do love “the perfects.” A lot of people! People in every race, class, creed, etc. It’s the norm. …Maybe I was just bullied so much I was altered from wanting that because no one ever let me have it or be it. *laughing* And that’s really true… The popular young ladies were always pleased that I willingly took on much less exciting duties or social roles and that was one way I got them to leave me alone and stop bullying me. *smile*

Indeed, a few years ago when I had more followers than a lot of people on Instagram in the fragrance community I was shocked and intrigued. I felt on display in a way that I wasn’t used to. Now, however, it’s not a problem as I am actually in limbo at best and I’m a private account… And frankly, if I do publish a novel I may use a “pen name.” I’ve used a few online already in the past (not in recent years).

*sigh*

Do you relate at all? Do people compete with you and you don’t like it? Or maybe you don’t like that much attention either.