Exploding The Wall…

As a Valentine’s Day gift to myself I’m going to say, “fuck it” and truly write about myself once with the sort of openness I so long for. So please don’t read this if it’ll just make you upset or if you hate me.

Now, I truly hate dishonesty. It also pisses me off to be misunderstood. And aside from wanting to piss other people off by oversharing I also enjoyed being a little rebellious about certain things and maybe even a teeny, tiny bit shocking.

(And by tiny, I mean, have you seen Instagram?!? *eye roll* There are many people who brag, brag, brag or constantly show off. And they do so to a point that’s typically considered grotesque.)

So, why not just go for it and actually be candid? It’s like the difference between someone who just flirts and teases and someone who actually sleeps with people. And as my husband and one other gentleman from long ago would attest to- *laughing* I’m not a flirt… I’m the sort who’s like, “If I’m into it I’m into it and if I’m not…take the hint.” You know?

And aside from any potential safety concerns I don’t want to hide my real personality. Therefore, again, why not indulge myself? Since I’m breastfeeding I won’t be able to indulge this year (or next) in red wine, champagne, gin or chocolate for Valentine’s Day. Or any other day. So there’s this, I guess… And in the last few days I’ve realized how useless it is to try to “manage things” when it comes to some people. So much for keeping quiet…

…I wrote yesterday about how there are “decoys” online of people in my family. And indeed there are. My father and husband are two examples in that my husband has at least one fake LinkedIn profile (he doesn’t necessarily recall creating) and the real one is very hard to find and there are fake addresses online for my father. Actually, I’m pretty good at research in general and finding things online and I know what’s correct, and even I struggled with finding their real information. (Other people seem to have decoys too)

The thing is, when we traveled for two years Mark wasn’t an employed actuary (even though he had been one for six years already, starting at age 21, at a large international company in Connecticut and then Minnesota). And the fake profiles seem to be using that period for information…

But he didn’t need to be employed those two years. Indeed, my husband is a brilliant (and decent, I hasten to add) man when it comes to financial matters, and he had managed to handle his money so wisely his entire life that he could travel for two years, and travel very well indeed (and with a serious girlfriend), without holding a paying job (although he dabbled – more on that in a second). And he wanted to do that – primarily travel and spend his time and money – to woo me after putting me through what he did at first with other women (it wasn’t entirely successful but we did get married)… …Although, for a very short time he was an insurance agent (two or three months?) out of some sort of naïve idea on his part that that might be more fun than being an actuary (again, he did start his actuarial career young and he had a romantic idea of what insurance agents do) and for a longer period of time he (also naively in my humble opinion) tried his hand at being a professional poker player. *laugh*

And he’s actually a very good poker player so he almost made that one work… When he went to England on his own while we were first dating it was partially to play poker.

But…he’s an actuary, after all, and has been for over 10 years now, including those first six. He enjoys it a lot these days. And if you saw his real profile you’d see that he also had two other “financial jobs” that were different than actuarial work for two years because, again, he needed to learn to respect how much he had been given in life at birth. However, he did learn… It was all a matter of intense personal growth for him.

But, truly, good luck finding that all online… (irony)

Next fall, after passing his last CAS exam, and he will, he’ll finally be a Fellow. But actually, if he hadn’t taken those diversion years when we were first together he would likely have become a Fellow a couple of years ago, at least… But, again, he needed to learn things about the world after jumping into a rather plum spot at 21. It was essential.

Now…my father is a mysterious character in general (at least in my opinion). So mysterious that I once questioned if he was even my real father. Ha! I had some wild notions in college that I had been switched at birth. Or that my mother had had a lover chosen from family friends and secretly conceived me. *big smile and bigger laugh* I even wrote about that once on an old blog that’s probably filled with wonderfully decontextualized tidbits that could be easily misinterpreted or manipulated. But, my mother is more chaste than I am (and I’m quite sexually conservative) and I wasn’t switched at birth.

And how did my family money (not my husband’s) get made? Well, there are many people who made it on their own through hard work and brilliance. We’ve had millionaires in our family since the 1950’s. However, a lot of the money I’ll (most likely) inherit and have inherited comes from oil. About ten years ago there was an oil boom in Western North Dakota and my families were in two of the best spots. There will be oil there to drill for a long time. There’s also natural gas… Although, how much is still drilled is dependent on the daily fluctuations of the oil price. There are about eleven wells in all now (I’ve double checked) and not all of them are consistently drilled. And not all the money is distributed equally among people. My father could leave me as little as a few more hundred thousand dollars (I’ve inherited about two hundred thousand so far in cash) or he could leave me over ten million dollars. OR he could leave me nothing (although he’s said that he doesn’t want that and I assume I’ll likely be given at least his property, that he owns). *shrug* … It all depends.

*sigh*

Of course, it’s a difficult situation. As someone who is genuinely concerned about the environment I often don’t know what to think about it all. Although, aside from contributing to the ability of oil companies to pollute, my families are innocent. And if we didn’t provide oil somebody else would. (Yeah, I know. But it’s true.) And despite the family connections we’ve had for generations to various people in political positions (some more loosely than others) we’ve never used that to make money or benefit and never will. At least I wouldn’t. Well, we haven’t other than when my great uncle sold honey from his bee hives in Seattle to a governor decades and decades ago. *laughing*

…On my father’s side there was some of an inheritance before the oil, but obviously oil changes things for any family. On my mother’s side there wasn’t an inheritance for me (or her) before the oil because her mother divorced and etc. Although her mother paid for one occasion of international travel for my mother, and gave her heirlooms, gave us gifts, etc. (to me the term “an inheritance” is primarily monetary)

My gosh, Mark, if you’re reading this, I apologize. But sometimes a dare, even made on one’s own, has to be indulged. *sheepish*

Now, what haven’t I told you all? You know my sexual history and how much I’ve inherited in an actual dollar amount (and will inherit). …Well, I haven’t told you plenty, I guess. But of course most people who insist on being jealous idiots won’t believe any of this anyway or will likely cry after reading this blog post. So, what’s the difference? And that’s all fine. They can even go to hell if they want. That’s their choice. But I won’t.

No, I’ve disclosed just enough so that even though I’m being truthful and more open than a lot of people, there’s still a heck of a lot you don’t know. “Enough” so that you could read this blog and yet I can still walk away in some sort of privacy…

But truly, if you look us up online you’ll find decoys. And again, it’s unclear why. Did someone pay someone to do that? Maybe. People in my family have at least hired private detectives before… Or is the internet that idiotic that some sort of plethora of fake profiles and addresses were created accidentally? I’m curious. I wonder if other people have run into this…

But anyhow, I feel a little better now. Happy Valentine’s Day to moi, I guess.