(My Wedding photo)
My last post needs some explanation. And, yet, let’s cut to the chase: I threw out several engagements rings (worth a total of tens of thousands). Yes. I threw them literally down drains, in toilets, into an ocean…and I’ll stop there.
No, it wasn’t mental illness. However, it was me being me, I’m afraid.
You see, given my husband’s background and his wealth at the time, I knew he could easily (so easily) buy me one ring (worth less than the total I disposed of) that I really wanted. AND given what I gave up to try to make our relationship work (i.e. living in the UK as I had solid arrangements to do, and other young men who were romantically interested in me) and what I put up with at the time (i.e. my husband was a really hurtful playboy when I met him, I didn’t get along with his family, and given our religious differences there wasn’t going to be a big family wedding), he said he wanted to make it up to me and make my ring particularly special… *sigh* BUT he is…brilliant and dogged…and…frugal. So…despite what he said…he always bought me what “made sense” instead of what I really liked. And afterwards, in the course of everyday life, I’d try to be understanding but then he’d do something unintentionally very hurtful again…and again…and eventually I’d genuinely decide to protest by throwing my ring. Ha!
At this point it’s become a joke between us.
Now, if you’re paying attention you probably are either seriously judging me in one way or another or you actually empathize and maybe can even relate. But, the thing is, I wanted to remind him of the temporal nature of our humanity. I wanted to express that money is great but people matter more. AND that sometimes when you love someone…you deal with moments of healthy, rational extravagance. Genuine love isn’t convenient. People can’t always fit themselves into what works for you.
Kids can require an incredible loss of sleep and privacy. But, as a parent, you give extravagantly. It’s the nature of parenting to give.
Romantic relationships require giving too and yet, unlike parenting, they also generally are only healthy when you also receive. And, I kept giving in our relationship but it wasn’t enough of a “two-way street”. I wanted to put my foot down where I knew for certain he’d hear it: Money. My ring was always handy (pun actually unintended).
And every time I did it, I was prepared for a battle. I recognized that I might have to repay him, and that he might break-up with me. But it was worth it. Dammit.
Still, he’d always…understand. And shockingly it seemed to make him want me to be with him more. He truly intuitively knew exactly what I meant… And he amazingly respected it.
My husband is a very complex man. His never ending mystery is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I think the opposite could be equally nice but that’s not what happened.
Anyway, I’ve sworn off throwing out rings. I did it enough and I can’t in good conscience “waste” any more. And we have grown to a very different place in our relationship over the years. …Although, once I do think some lady at a shelter in a downtown area found one of my diamond rings and I hope that money helped her. In that case I threw the ring off a balcony. If I recall correctly she told some other lady and they joked that they were just going to stand there and see what else came down. *giggling* That made me happy.
But anyway, I have a ring I bought myself and my husband has decided to buy me a truly thoughtful ring. And that’s the thing. It’s all about the heart behind it.
If he had bought a cheaper ring but made it truly special it would have been nice, but alas, it was always not what I wanted and often purchased with some unfortunate insensitivity involved. And I kid you not when I say that. He’d 100% agree with me about this.
So there you go. That’s the history of the previous post, quickly.